Self harming dyke
Cuts: Oh, that's a story all to itself.
I couldn't stop cutting last night. It bled so much. It was
really scary and I didn't know what to do. There was no-one
I could call. In the end I rang an emergency doctor. He
took 1/2 an hour to get to me and by then I had managed to
stop it bleeding and I had taken some of the pills the GP I
saw on Friday gave me to calm down (Xanax). They do work,
even if only as a placebo. Anyway when he got to me there
was blood everywhere but I was calm and quiet. He dressed
my wrist and took me to the ER, but they didn't even look
at my wrist, just tried to give me a psychological
examination. I was so tired (it was 3am) and emotionally
drained that I couldn't answer anything. And there were 2
of them doing the exam, and I felt like they were staring
at me so much... I felt really self-conscious.
In the end I left and walked in the rain for 2 hours. I got
home at 6am and woke up at 8.30am feeling so guilty and
sore. I couldn't face being alone, so I have come into
work. They are all treating me carefully since the doctor
gave me Friday afternoon off work and I wouldn't tell
anyone here why, but I think they saw the tears well up...
I am due to see a psychotherapist tomorrow. I hope it works
out. Whenever I have seen these therapists before I have
ended up asking them questions about themselves which
generally freaks them out. I personally think you have to
be pretty fucked up yourself to spend your life dealing
Anyway. That's all. I am so tired and I just want to curl
up and everything to go away. It won't though, will it?