Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers
2002-01-21 00:02:08 (UTC)

Ouch! stokach hurts so badly! For the past two
days I have been eating normally and my stomach hurts so
much! God damn, I am in so much pain!!!!! Why can't I
just be thin???? I mean who goes out and buys enemas just
to shit so that they don't feel as fat??? Who shoves their
fist down their thraot just for releif?? And, what am i
getting out of it anyway??? I weighted myself today and I
am four pound heavier! Just from all of the food I
guess. I feel so bad!...........Anyway....I met Alex and
he is kinda on the heavy side. It kinda hurts me that my
friend only try to hook me up with the fat
guys.....hmmm.....I guess that says something about my
though. So yeah, I met him on Fri. night. It was weird
though Stephanie and I ended up saying at Anthony's house
beause that is Mo's cousin. Well Anthony and I got our
game on I guess you would say. He was all trying to fuck
me and all but I was just like NO! So I sucked on his dick
instead. But, he still didn't come. God, I a such a bad
person! I can't lose weight, I was so being a bitch to
Alex. He was all trying to kiss he and shit and I just sat
there like a dummy. I really didn't want anything from him
though!!!...........So now people probably think I am such
a hoe! But, at least I am still a virgin! Anthony asked
Moises for a condom at one point and he had it on and
everything.......but then I just said no! I mean I don't
think that is bad of me....I just want to keep something
that not many people have left......I did get a job
though....I am going to work for Greg by doing all of this
real-estate shit for him. Ugh! I want liposuction so
badly!!! Shit! My stomach!!! I never want to eat again!
And, I never want to be with a guy again either! I just
want to walk around in my huge grey jacket with my comfy
jeans and get through with this part of my life! It's not
fair that I see all of these girls eat whatever in the hell
that they want......while I starve myself, and then they
get all of these guys to chase after them! It is so god
damn fucking unfair!!!!
So, on Thursday I am going up to look at some of those
boarding schools. And, then I think I will have to stop at
my grandparents for a little.....yeah that will be fun. I
can let them all se how fat I look! I discovered some new
strechmarks on my thighs today, I swear to god if I have
them on my arms I will kill myself! My dad found that
knife that I had in my cabinet this morning. Well thats
great! I told him that I had to cut something.....little
did he know that something was myself. Well actually I
didn't get to because some people came over but I just keep
it there so I know I still have that option. David came
over a couple of days ago and told me that I looked
pretty......I know he was just joking.....he had to be I
dragged up at school looking like I had just rooled out of
bed! I hate guys! I hate most girls too! And, I
absolutely hate me! I really do! Fuck! Ummmm whatelse
have I left out......last night I went out with some people
including Clark and we all went up to Buffingtons. Their
was this band playing there or something....well William
was up their and he told me that I looked stoned. How
nice! Shit! I wish I was pretty!