the accident
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2002-01-20 22:53:20 (UTC)


my grandmother died last year from cancer. she helped
myself, my sister and my mother so much after my dad died.
and we lost her. i'd moved to aberdeen for two years (a
city in the north of scotland). i got in debt, was stuck
in an unhappy relationship and eventually i moved back
home. the girl, vikki, was unsympathetic that i needed
time to myself, to get over it. not be burdened with more
problems. i cared about her but i was too far away from
her for the problems to be sorted out with a simple chat
over the phone or an afternoon together. i walked away and
now i'm lonely. i felt lonely when i was with her. i
always feel lonely.

i don't know what to feel anymore. i want to be happy. i
want to have a good time. i want to be in love. but i
want it to come easy. i loved vikki very much and it just
died cos i wasn't in love. i had too much on my mind to be
of any use to her, to be in love with her. i needed my
family but i wish i could have someone to save me.

i know i'm being pathetic. it's not fair to leave someone
then be upset when they find someone else - although i
actually really like her boyfriend, he's a good guy - but i
wish she'd told me... it made me feel so unimportant and
being that she told me i would always be special to her no
matter what, it feels rather like a crock of shit.


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