writings on the wall
2002-01-20 15:34:09 (UTC)

Steven, the ex-crush

yesterday was a bad day for me. the server was down
so i had problems checking my mails & writing my diary.
Keane was ignoring my messages because his gf was around.
i jokingly told him that being friends with him was like
having an affair with a married man. i hate it when people
ignore me, i'll get all mad, say all those hurtful words &
later, after i have regained my "mental sanity", i'll beg
for their forgiveness. it's always like that & God knows
how many times i promised that i'll change but i always
find myself back at square one. bad habits die hard...

couldn't sleep last night so there i was lying in
bed & my cellphone rang. it was Steven & i bet my ass that
the guy is out there clubbing. funny how he only remembers
my existence when he's partying. told him that i am not in
KL at the moment & that i will call him when i get there.
actually, my whole body is aching to go clubbing & the
main problem is that none of my gfs want to go! i have
this strong urge to go myself but i know that it'll be
kinda dangerous, especially when it comes to time to get
back home. shit!

Steven is the guy i had a hard crush on before i met
Stanley. he's 6 years older than me & we met at a club. i
was attracted to him because he doesn't give a damn about
me. i guess the fun part was trying to gain his attention.
i was 1 then, funny how time flies. i remembered even
contemplating whether to give up my virginity to him.
thank goodness i didn't. i think he still wants to fuck me
& i have no problem whatsoever with that.

every special guy in my life has a theme song. his
was "don't say you love me"-m2m. i will always remember
what he said to me on our first date: "i don't screw girls
that have been screwed for more than 10 times. after i
finished screwing a girl, i'll let my friends screw them".
how crude, does he really NEED to tell that to his 17-year-
old date?

sometimes i wonder if i really have a problem in my
head. it's like i'll run the other way when a guy shows
any interest whatsoever in me but when a guy doesn't give
a shit about me, that's when i'll be craving for his
attention. is this normal?