sunkist

The Beginning

Okae this is the first time i will be using an online
diary. i must admit this is pretty cool, at least i can say
whether i want it to be shown to the world or keep it to
myself for comfort. all my days as a person i've always
written in a book journal, but since i've gotten a computer
and i might as well use it, i will!
since this is only for MY reference, i will not explain my
whole entire life on this thing. i will only start from
where my feelings are, and right now i need to let things
out. i am starting to get close to P(will remain
unnamed)...it feels weird only getting close on icq, which
kinda reminds me of that love story 'you've got mail', but
it also leaves an empty feeling since i've never been out
with him, and its so obvious he doesn't trust that many,
like he's learning to trust again....he tells me
so....because of his past girls, damn bitches. but i feel
kinda good to know he's beginning to trust again through
me. i don't know what to do, i really want to know how he
feels whether good or bad, i want to know.
now to another thing...i feel really sad, i feel everyone
is leaving me out, and everyone has a partner but me, as in
friend wise....i may have lots of friends but i feel like i
lost someone i could've spent lots of time with, what
happened? im feeling aloness, and i am already. even though
it seems as tho everything is okay with me it isn't. i need
comfort, encouragment...something...fuck i get so mad and
depressed that, i am being pushed away here and there, and
people act like nothings wrong. i try to brush it off, like
i can learn to be an independant woman, but people don't
see the hurt and sadness in my heart everytime i am
ignored, brushed off...they are probably thinking i have
lots of friends but i've lost the few that i was close
with, or could have been close with. i don't think i can
keep this stone wall up for long when bombs are constantly
crashing down on me. what's the matter? did i do something?
why are you leaving me out? why must you act like i was
never a close friend to you? i listened, i helped, and why
do you endlessly continue to do nothing for me, i was never
expecting it, but where can i get it? i feel like a fukking
third wheel, when i was there first? why must you(other
girl) steal away, but it hurts because the other person
wants to be closer to you than me. why? i may look like a
stone wall, but i am meerly glass that breaks easily once
you push down on it. i need the close friendship back, it
isn't fair. i am human too.