Sodapop

Pardon me while I burst into Flames
2002-01-20 08:31:46 (UTC)

Doctor: You chased a bottle of asprin with a bottle of Vodka/Patient: I had a headache.

I have a really bad headache, im really hot, and my stomach
is turning. And from sometimes i feel dizzy. WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH ME? I'm not pregnant, and i'm way too young
to be going through menopause (FAR TOO YOUNG), so what
could it be? I'm nervous. I have finals next week, and I
havent started studying yet because ive been sleeping and
doing my laundry, eating, and watching tv. oh yes, and i
smoked a cigarette...well half of one. I couldnt bring
myself to finish it. Anyway, theres one more reason. I did
something really stupid a while ago. It was really late at
night, i was swamped with homework, and i had this history
project. I was working with some other kids, and they
wanted me to email them some info on some events (my part
of the project). I had so much shit to do that night, that
i sort of took the easy way out and cut and paste some
stuff. It was a few months ago, and i dont really have that
great of a memory, so i dont know if i did that for all of
the events, or just a few. Anyway, the teacher found out,
and then the kids (i think) figured out who did what
events, and then they just didnt say anything to me. And
the fact that they didnt say anything to me is frightening.
Im thinking that they didnt want to confront me or
something and that they just told me teacher that it was
me, and she said that she'd take care of it. So we cant
just do the whole damn project over...but im just gonna be
in the shithole when second semester starts. I dont want to
go back to that, especially since i dont like this teacher
that much. Anyway i figure that im fucked. But hasnt
everyone done that once in their life? i mean i dont
usually do that, u know? It was just so late and i was so
fucking tired. This was right in the middle of that
sleepless month where i made of 2 weeks worth of
assignments and projects from 5 majors. I was desperate and
my brain had stopped working. UGH im so stupid. what the
fuck is my problem. I would love to have a bottle of vodka
and a bottle of asprin right now. damn. This is not just
any fucking headache. this is one of those "I want to crawl
into a hole and die" headaches...more formally referred to
as a migraine. I tend to refer to it as pure hell. My head
feels like its going to explode. I cant breathe right, im
really hot...but on the INSIDE...the temp of my skin is
normal. My head feels heavy. and i have that weak
feeling...u know when u try to make a fist but u cant? I
cant make a fist. And my ass is numb cuz ive been sitting
here for too long.I havent told anyone yet, but lately ive
been getting these pains...like in my heart. And my left
arm feels all tingly. It feels like i cant take deep
breaths. and for it to be over i have to take one huge
breath and it sort of feels like some sort of a click or
something, and everything goes back to normal. But its
getting worse. The pain is getting worse. Im scared, i dont
know what it is. My family has a long history of heart
problems...but they never showed up at such a young age.
I'm too scared to go to the doctor or tell my mom. Im not
like fat either. I mean i dont have bad cholesterol levels,
and i exercise. sure, maybe its not as much as it should
be, but its not like i sit on my ass all day. And i cut
down on the smoking. And i hadnt been smoking for that long
before that, either. I dunno...theres something seriously
wrong with me...i can feel it. I mean i can sense it, you
know? Like something is going to happen. I just dont know
what, or when.
Anyway, my new joshless life is...the same, really. except
that i dreamt about him last night. I dont know what
happened, but i just remember waking up and thinking about
him and the dream. But then i went back to sleep.
I have to go to this sweatlodge thing tomorrow...im scared.
I hope i dont pass out or something. But then again, I
probably will. Until Next Time...

Current Mood: Scared, Nervous, Suicidal
Now Playing:"No Name Face" by Lifehouse

~Soda




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