SunnyShay

This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-17 23:37:01 (UTC)

He wins again

Dear Journal,
So besides thinking about Josh and my frist break up today
I was thinking a lot about David. I hate thinking about him
because it just makes me cry and think about the whole
situation again, and I get to blaming him and blamming me
and I kind of just get out of control. I guess it's good I
get to go to the gym tonight becuase I have a lot of excess
anger energy I need to get out. I want to tell my mom so
much of what happned. She doesn't really know that David
did penetrate me and that there was blood. Too much blood,
God thinking about it makes me get all scared. He knows
where I work, go to school, where my mother works, where i
live and where my bestfriends house is. It's still hard for
me to sleep at night because I get scared that someone is
going to sneak in the house and rape me. I can't think of a
moment when i'm alone or in the presence of a man I don't
know I think that he is going to assault me in some way.
There is something about me that keeps attracting these
men. How do they keep finding me? I hate myself for letting
David rape me, I want to go back to that night and do
everythign all over again. I would have been so nieve. Why
did i trust him? Why do thoughts of him haunt me everyday?
I know by writing this and feeling like this right now and
crying about it, i'm letting him win. Everyday that I let
him ruin my day he wins all over again. Do you know what I
hate about myself so much, that after the rape I let him
help clean me up. I was in so much shock that everything
happened that I couldn't hold myself together. He made me
take a shower and clean myself up and I was sore and
hurting. I didn't know I could be in so much physical and
emotional pain at the same time. In the shower I think
that's when I came to realization of everything that
happened and I nearly collapsed in the shower crying. I
could have a diesease, I could be pregnant, andything.
After getting out of the shower, I cried and David tried to
comfort me. I think it was his way of protecting him. But
what difference did it make? I wasn't going to tell anyone,
he knew that and I had cleaned everything away. Looking bak
on it, it's like a bad dream, or a movie that I saw a long
time ago... It hurts, I can't believe that I let something
like that happen to me.That's all

Me


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