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2002-01-20 06:34:01 (UTC)

this place feels so unfamiliar...

... and yet i know it well...
i think i used to belong here.
but the only way i can tell
is that i miss you still
and i cannot find you here...

i went to sarasota today...

i miss my sam so much =( god. i found out when i went to
new college and he wasnt on the student directory that hes
not going to school. then i found out from sarah that his
mom refused to pay his tuition when he moved out, so now
hes working 2 or 3 jobs to save up to finish school. i
miss him.

so today was really pretty shitty.. its okay now now im
just tired cus i left at 10 this morning and just got home
its almost 2.

so yesterday.. i found out that they hadnt put tom in a room even
though it'd been like 20 hours. finally they got him in one at like
6 so matt came with me. i got this big big thing of really pretty
flowers. he was so surprised and happy to see me!! it was so great.
he is very very not well though and it was sad hes in a lot of pain
internal bleeding on his liver and stuf and it was sad and i hate
hospitals... also i could not BELIEVE what a fucking asshole matt
was. like, he was throwing a fit because i stayed for like a half
and hour or maybe an hour, and he was like its getting late i have
to go out blah blah blah. and i was like come on matt, he has no
family no one to visit him and talk to right now and hes very hurt
dont you think thats a little more important than you going out RIGHT
this second and hes like maybe to YOU. he can be so selfish =(

then i went downtown to see robin sing with dawn and avery and michi
and jeff and dana and people. it was at jason and paul's where
madlyns was. its on the gay strip on mills, and when i walked in the
first person i saw was joy, my old manager!! she started laughing and
shes like "well.. hey girl" she was all embarrassed cus we never
really talked about it before and it was so cute.

anyway.. yeah it was cool, dawn was like "how about robin?" lol
shes so cute. then ashley came down =) and i was so happy to see
her. shes real sad though about emily.. ugh.. then caroline came.
she made 2 sales at work =) but then she made me mad because she
makes me feel like she doesnt WANT to be with me sometimes like even
when she can, she doesnt WANT to she does cus she HAS to or fels
OBLIGATED. then we went to guineveres and i got to hear some stuf i
really didnt want to hear about matt and other people doing stuf...
okay the thing is, matt was never ever with anyone else like that
before me, and i had, and it was always such a meaningful thing to
him that even though i've been with a few people since, the thought
of him doing stuf with other people makes me feel so bad... i
shouldnt.. anyway enough of that.

so then she came over later and i fell asleep right away, and this
morning we went to sarasota and we argued a lot and she irritated me
a WHOLE lot... and i saw sarah for a bit, we took a bunch of
pictures of her... damn she looks pretty hot now.. her hair got
longer and its all cute and loose wavy curly like a little girls all
thin and curly and its got pink streaks at the ends and her belly
button double pierced and her nipple pierced and yeah.. it was sad.
we used to be so close and the whole being there was upsetting today.
its horrible but i think its only because she was in bitch-mood, but
i really wasnt glad i was sharing it with her, i have wanted to take
her and show her where im from and all for so long and she was
totally making me feel worse or something.. i know she doesnt mean to
but still.

im watching american beauty. "i'd rather you were dead than be a
fucking faggot." jesus.

then i called my mom to see if she wanted me to look for her puppy
anywhere there cus she cant find one here, and she started YELLING at
me so much and we got in a big fight over nothing. all day down
there i was trying not to cry and stuf and caroline and i were
fighting and everything sucked and heres my mom Why dont you just
come home no one there wants to see you they dont care about you
anymore blah blah blah... i just sat down on the ground and i couldnt
stop crying... i couldnt believe how mean she was being and i couldnt
calm down... so i bought my ashley a turtle=) and caroline and i got
one too. i've been trying to find ashley a turtle for forever so i
did. and then caroline drove home. and we smoked. hm.. and sang
rent=) i dont feel bad this time. i guess because i hate my life so
much right now that i dont care too much. whatever.
then i took ashley her turtle =) and claudia and i went to adams with
richard for awhile. then we came and cleaned and set up my turtles
tank. and now im really tired. im sure theres stuf im forgetting to
write it was a very eventful day but im going to sleep now. naomi
signed on but it was just gus. blah. and i think carolines staying
at heidi's tonight. i have to do big cleaning tomorrow. and im real