Bad Kitty

Blood, and Sugar
2002-01-20 03:47:00 (UTC)

Damn Curry!

Yeah life gets real fucked up sometimes. My best friend
and I were getting along great then suddenly she announces
that for the third year in a row she's going to miss my
birthday party because she's too busy. For the last two
years I haven't had one because she hasn't had time for me.
Well now I don't want to put up with this shit again. So
she gets mad at me and barely says good bye on her last
night home. That hurt. That really hurt. She'll never
understand how deeply she hurt me by that simple seeming
act. I nearly died that night. I sleep with a dagger or
two (now three) beside my bed, ever since an incident with
a wanna be "scream" stalker at my house one night.
Unfortunately the oppertunity was so right, so close, so
much there that before I even thought about it I was
tracing my sharpest dagger carefully down my wrists, then I
started to think about and startest tracing harder, not
quite breaking the skin, and I thought about how much jess
would hate herself if she knew I had killed myself the
night after she had left without so much as a true goodbye,
if she knew that it was her that caused me to go over the
edge and kill myself. And I wanted to, I wanted to do it,
to end the pain to make her hurt, to make her know that she
could never be forgiven, never be saved, that she had
caused her best friend's death. I almost plunged my dagger
deep into my throat, opting for a quick painful death
rather than a slow bleeding from the wrists. Besides I've
tried it before the wrists doesn't kill you very well most
of the time. But I didn't, I stopped. I don't know why.
I'm not going to lie, it wasn't because I didn't actually
want Jess to feel that way, though now I know it's true
that I don't want her to feel that way. The truth is that I
stopped for a reason I either don't know, or just don't
remember. I guess I didn't want to be defeated. Maybe it
was because of my vow. But I did stop, which is why I'm
here writing as I am. Then when we talked again nothing got
better, I was still the bitch, still the horrible one who
is the reason for all of Jess's woes. So she sicks her
fiancee on me. He yells at me for guilting Jess, then asks
if I've ever hurt her on purpose I tell the truth "Yes."
FUCKING DO THAT!?!?!" was his reply.
Everyone hurts someone purposely all the time. Of course
he says "Oh no! I've never done that." Bullshit. If you're
reading this either of you BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!I
love you both more than you'll ever know, ever even
understand! So you'll understand why you manage to hurt me
so deeply. I cried when I was arguing with him, I finally
had to leave I was so upset and crying so hard. I ask now:
What kind of friend does that?
~Bad Kitty~