a little piece of me
2002-01-19 23:49:08 (UTC)

not sure anymore

well, back home once again. i'm more confused now than
ever. doc appointment went ok i guess. he was concerned
that i might have something wrong with my thyroid, so he
took some blood for a blood test. god, i'm sick, but i
thoroughly enjoyed being jabbed by that needle. i had been
super upset the night before, and didn't have any blades.
i was going to drive to the closest walmart (20 mi away) at
night to get some new ones, but i had to make a phone call
and my grandma said i couldn't come back if i left...kinda
weird, but she knew i was upset. maybe she just didn't
want me driving in my state of mind. anyway, talked to
heather, then to brett. like i said, more confused now
than before. not about what's going on with brett and i.
that's all squared away. we're going to work on being
friends. some days i can handle that just fine, but others
i feel like i'm going to fall to pieces without him.
rediculous, isn't it? some days i just love him so much it
breaks my heart, but others i feel next to nothing for
him. i wish i could make up my mind. the really sad thing
is that he doesn't seem all that upset at all. he says he
is, but it's hard to believe him because he's so calm and
nonchalant about everything. eh, what can i do?

that's not the only thing i'm confused about. first,
there's my mom. on the way back from the appointment, she
started crying. i asked what was wrong and she was all
upset about what was going on with me. she said she wished
she could have helped me better, could have done more. i
tried to make her feel better, but i don't think i did any
good. i don't understand why, all of a sudden, she feels
bad. jessie told her about 5 months ago that i was
suicidal. she never once said anything to me about wishing
she could help. i even told her myself that i was having a
lot of trouble with depression and stuff, and still
nothing. i don't get it...i guess now that i've joined the
rest of the world out there in solving my problems with
prescription medication, it really hit her. so yeah, it's
official. i'm nuts.

then there's my dad. he barely said 2 words to me
yesterday after he found out what i was going to the doc
for. then, last night, my he and my mom went out to dinner
with some friends, and he bought me some candles. he knows
i like peach sented things, so he got me some. that is the
first time he has ever gotten something for me. ever. he
just handed them to me, and asked me if i liked them. i
said yeah and thanks and blah blah blah, then he said he
was tired and needed to go to bed. he wasn't around this
morning when i left to come back here. so, i'm not really
sure what's going on. at least i didn't get the 'you're a
big embarassment/disappointment' lecture. i was pretty
sure he would. of course, he probably just told my mom.

anywho, the doc thinks i need to see a shrink on a regular
basis, but i said no way. he told me he'd let me slide for
now if i promised to come back in a couple of weeks and get
checked on. i said ok. that's better than talking to some
stranger who's going to charge me 300$ an hour for me to do
what i'm doing in this diary for free.

well, i'm going put on my happy face and hang out with a
couple of 'friends' tonight. should be interesting.
something to do at any rate. take care everyone.