fucked up
2002-01-19 20:18:34 (UTC)

i realized something wierd this..

i realized something wierd this morning. I broke up with
eric without any reason what so ever honestly. I said a
number of reasons. all that were somewhat true but not how
i actually felt. I said i didn't want a boy friend.
Really i didn't want a serious one. I said that i didn't
feel that he loved me anymore. Actually i felt like the
whole relationship was just a big ruetine. i think that
that was what made me not like it. When i was around him
it just seemed to be because we were going out and thats
what couples do. there wasn't even any emotion in it. I
just realized another reason. He didn't understand me.
Not one bit. he didn't understand that i could feel
frustrated without any reason at all. That made it even
worse. I dont understand how you can be with someone who
doesn't understand why you do things, doesn't understand
that you don't neccisarily have a reason for the things you
do, and doesn't understand you. He tried. I know he did.
I love him for that. I will always love him, that isn't my
choice. Even if it was i would still love him, i just
don't love him in that special way anymore. Our
relationship felt like a friendship with a fucking
ruitine. I couldn't stand it anymore. I still can't. I
don't think that anyone should feel that they should be
going out with someone just because its what's expected. I
wasn't going out with eric still because it was what was
expected. I did it because i still had feelings for him,
and even though they wern't the right feelings, i didn't
know how to break up with him. Thats why every time we
would get into a fight or i would get frustrated i would
break up. He would just ignore it. And since i myself
wasn't sure if i was doing the right thing i would ignore
it also. It really was a great relationship. I hope that
he finds someone that he loves and that loves him back just
as much. i just want it to be with someone that he
understands, and that understands him. I wish him the best
of life. I feel bad for what i did, but i think that it
was the best thing to do. Honestly i wonder if it should
have happend sooner. Oh well nothing i can do about it
now. Later