Christine

Visions Of Life
2002-01-19 19:43:48 (UTC)

Well... Another Goal Shattered..

I think today would be day 3 of trying to get my life back
tigether. What a joke. Day 2 I had the greatest day. Was a
lil depressed but still happy. I went to bed aroubd 9
because i was exhausted since I woke up at 3am.. I had
constant nightmares.. One in particular involving rats and
demons. Couldnt sleep after that. So I wake up around 2am.
Get really pissed off at the one person I actually give a
damn about. The one person I love. So then anger turns to
crying which turns into me hating myself which turns into me
doubting everything I think and feel which turns into me
being bitchy which turns into me crying myself to sleep at
4am with a blade in my hand.

Day 3 isnt alot better. I hate myself for breaking my
promise or whatever you want to call it. I am in pain. Cant
stop crying. And the one I love doesnt even know how I feel
about him because I cant tell him and I guess I dont show it
either. My apartment is messy. I got blood all over the
bathroom. Cant sleep. Need to type out some letters but I
dont have ink in my printer. I dont have nearly enough
alcohol or drugs to keep me sedated. Everyone I talk to for
the most part is now depressed and I feel like somehow I
caused it. (Not because i think Im that important but
because.. I dont know) Visions of corpses floating in a
bathtub of water keep entering my mind. And to top it all
off I have my period... Fuck this.

Well.. One good thing is I was finally able to release some
anger.. I have a shredded sheet and other stuff to prove
it...