Gary

black eyed angels swam with me
2002-01-19 19:05:57 (UTC)

i wrote this last night while the site was down...

its not pretty...

i feel a little better this morning, but i was a wreck last
night...

-----------------------------------------------------------

i'm crying.

but my eyes are dry.

why..

i'm sorry, i'm not trying to be artistic, its just whats
going throught my head right now.

this fucking test. why did i take it. why god damn it.
i'm sorry kara, if youre reading. its not your fault.
maybe i'm getting all bent out of shape for nothing, but i
think i'm schizophrenic. i mean, listen to these symptoms
thanks to webmd:

Any of a group of psychotic disorders usually characterized
by withdrawal from reality, illogical patterns of thinking,
delusions, and hallucinations, and accompanied in varying
degrees by other emotional, behavioral, or intellectual
disturbances. Schizophrenia is associated with dopamine
imbalances...

jeesus. thats too close to home. i always thought i was
just an introvert. let me let you into a little secret.
this is the inner sanctum of my mind here:

i think i'm telepathic. no. not telepathic. i wish i
was. but i think i'm very empathetic. i mean i think i
can feel what other people are feeling just by touching
them or being near them, or loving them. Crazy, huh. oh
well, its just a fantasy. a halucenation. its not real.
i need a shrink.

this is from the test website:

Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder
represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is
characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and
individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from
others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory
ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some
important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior
and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time.
Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to
follow.

Sometimes they think they have extrasensory ability.
hmm. sound familiar? and odd forms of thinking and
perceving. speech is often overelaborate and difficult to
follow.... i'm a horrible storyteller... i get stuck on
the little details, and somehow, everyone loses interest.
they start talking to someone else right in front of me.
Withdrawn? i could be perfectly happy all by myself........

this is scaring the shit out of me. i'm crying. i need
someone to talk to.

my-diary.org isn't working. this is really pissing me off.

why god, not now. not now. i just left my parents
insurance, and i have none of my own. i can't very well go
see a shrink about it. i cant afford one. i need to get
some insurance. this isn't fair. i gotta sell my soul to
get my medication. this is a fucking cruel world we live
in.

i'm crazy. i'm a nut... i'm going insane here thinking
about it. i need to get a job. now. so i can help
myself. i'm so weak. maybe richard is right. maybe the
genetically weak are doomed to perish. i need something to
make me numb.

its so cold here. so cold. cold and alone...




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