fucked up
2002-01-18 22:20:58 (UTC)

rose is reading my diary now. I..

rose is reading my diary now. I don't know what to think
about that. At first i was thinking that i had to start
pretending in here too. Fuck that. This is mine. I am
not going to hide anything. it feels too good to let
everything out to try and hide it again. fuck that. this
is mine and im going to do what feels right. i never
realized i like this thing that much. but i do. its like
my hellish haven. Its were i can go to get away from
people but learn more about myself. i have been trying to
write in it every night. i havn't gone back to read any
of the things that i've writen yet. i kind of don't want
to. why should i. all it does is scare me. it scares
others too but i don't care. that is what i feel at the
moment so god damn it im going to say it.
I met a guy that i thought i liked. I had never liked him
before. Just when i found out that he was suicidal. then
i realized that i didn't want to go out with him i just
wanted to be beside him and there for him if he needed
anything. That was good. I got confused becuase i didn't
want to be in a relationship. Really not even in a little
fling. I do with that there was someone there for me all
the time. whenever i need them. i miss eric. I wish he
would fucking talk to me. I understand though. I guess.
i know that there is no reason for him to but i am still
mad that he isn't. I don't know that i really want to
talk to him. i saw a pict of us together and i almost
cryed. but then i looked at him and saw hate. deep deep
hate. then i realized that it wasn't him i was looking
at. He looked like...i guess in a way like david. I
don't know i just know that i hated him. I still do.
there is no reason. it's like i hate him for loving me.
why the fuck is that. I hate all of my friends for caring
about me. I fucking hate them so much. Rose called
because she read it. I almost had a sudden panick attack
or something. Its like in the movies where there 20 ft
away and then rush the camera into their face. Mars
hasn't been reading it. At least she hasn't said
anything. same with brad and garrett. actually i don't
know that i gave garrett the like. maybe i should again.
he seems to be woried about me. Its wierd though. i am
so good at hiding it again. Mars has no idea. Rose
didn't. garrett and i seem to always be able to sence
it. i know when he sences it. even if he doesn't say
anything. Rose can sometimes but garrett is different.
For some reason i think that mars can but she ignores it.
No actually i think that that is what rose does. rose
thinks that theres nothing wrong and shes over reacting or
something. Mars knows it but chooses not to realize it
totally. Thats what i get from them. don't hold my word
against anything. i have no idea what so ever. Thats
just how i feel. i have no idea about brad. he doens't
talk even if he did realize it.
Brad seems to be doing good at school. i'm proud of him.
hes roomed with boys though and i think that that bothers
him somewhat. or at least i know it used to. maybe he
feels diferently now. No idea. I have been talking to
his cousin today. He's really cool. but not doing too
good lately. i wont say anything els becasue i don'ot
know how he feels about me writing about him in here. ok
he doesn't mind. he was going out with this girl that
wore pink all the time. i hate people like that so i
would make fun of her. they broke up and we were all
making fun of her. He had said something about her but
when i looked at him he looked wierd. Sad. I got
confused. now i realize why he looked sad. he still
liked her. she took something as a break up that he
didn't mean that way. i wish there was something i could
do for him. Right now i guess all i can do is be there so
that he can talk to me.
i still don't know what to think about eric. i feel like
i still love him but oh my god i hate him. i feel this
terible sence of hurt, hate, and just....i don't know.
BUt it feels that way all the way down to the core. I
think that i might hate him becuase he wont talk to me.
BUt what should i expect. i hurt him. oh well i think
that thats enought for right now. i think im going to go
and do something. no idea what. maybe ill see im mars
wants to do anything before her class. later