This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-17 08:39:08 (UTC)

The Girl I never wanted to be

Dear Journal,
Well I have to finally admit it to myself. I'm becoming
everything I hate. Weak,and lonely. I told myself after the
rape that I would be strong. That I didn't need a boyfriend
that I could survive on my own. I think I can, but
sometimes I can't. Thoughts of Josh fill my head all day
long. Maybe i'm just desperate, I don't know but all i know
is that over fifty percent of my day is spent thinking
about how it would be to be his girlfriend again. Always
when I saw those girl on t.v taking their Loser boyfriends
back, I vowed to myself I would never do that. But now in
the situation i'm not so sure of myself. I hate myself for
feeling this way about him. Waiting for him to call, making
excuses to call him. Waiting for an e-mail from him. I did
the stupidest thing today. I sent out this poem about love
to some of my close friends and I sent it to him also. I
think by sending it to my friends it was just a way of
pretending it wasn't just for him. I hate that!! I hate
that every time he calls or i get an e-mail from him i'm
smiling like an idiot and I have butterflies in my stomach.
I know I deserve so much more than that. I deserve to be
treated nicely, he taught me that. So why do I still feel
like I have feelings for him? Why do I still sometimes
question myself about loving him or not? Why can't he feel
how I feel? Why can't he be the one contemplating all of
this. I thought that after everything happened with David
i'd want to be shut off from the world, and I did for a
while but i'm still human, I still have emotions and
sometimes I feel ashamed when i'm happy. Sometimes I feel
like just because I was raped I have to be sad, but i'm not
always sad, sometimes i'm delightfully happy and i want to
show the world how happy I am. Sometimes even though I
still get scared, I want to get back out there and date
again, one guy in particular. AHHHHHHHH!!! Why do I let him
do this to me. I'm not sure if you understand but when I
start thinking about Josh I don't stop until i'm sitting
here crying tears of sadness or happiness or both or just
grinning like an idiot. I guess i'm a little late on the
dating thing, considering I just started dating but that's
what makes it so fun being new to everything. Getting those
butterflies for the first time. Man it's wonderful. If only
I wasn't becoming everything I hate on t.v, it's bad but
it's not so terrible. Well it's late and I have an early
class in the morning so enough typing for the night.


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