Tuesday, December 04, 2001
I was just thinking, I think I was OK all along. I
mean, this whole journal thing has been all about trying to
find myself (although I think it’s a very shallow person
who can know exactly who they are), but I think I knew who
I was this whole time.
In the first few entries, I was talking about how
people don’t really take the time to look around. I
thought that there might be a message in this, so I decided
to join the flock. I went about my business never looking
up, never actually seeing things as they are. I would look
around and see a person here, a tree there, a car over
there, some grass here… but I never really stopped and
said, “Wow, look at her, she’s amazing; that tree
encompasses all I see; whoever made that car is a
visionary; I love the smell of grass…” I used to do that.
A long time ago, when this journal first began. That’s all
I ever did.
I would wake up in the morning and be grateful to
be alive so I could look at the sky one more time, so I
could see the beauty in every living thing. I started
seeing everyone not enjoying life. I saw everyone being
themselves and having some sort of outward happiness (like
laughter) that I just didn’t seem to have. I mean, I was
happy, but everyone else was talking to each other. They
looked really happy. Again, I saw a message in this and
decided to try it. After a while it just got to the point
where I was just minding my own business. I was talking to
people now, sure I was laughing when I talked to people,
but I wasn’t as happy. I’m not as happy.
I think I know why. It’s because I need people to
be happy now. Before, I would just sit in my room and have
fun doing next to nothing. I’d draw, I’d write, I’d sit
and think. Now I’m running around the apartment even
though I have a million things to do because I’m hoping
someone will call, someone will get online, someone will do
something so that I can talk to them. I seem to need
people now and that’s not right.
I said last time that I think my life is a little
too simple, a little too easy. There’s nothing wrong with
that, but I never really get anything done, and that has
always been what gives me happiness: getting shit done.
So now, after a year and a half of nothingness, I
am finally going to start. I am finally going to be
myself. Fuck the flock. What have they ever done but
follow and enjoy what other people do? Most people don’t
even have any thought. Most thought is just other peoples’
opinions. I will be my own. I will have it all. Sim says
that I can’t be happy with a career in creating and a
family. I say fuck him too. He might be a visionary, but
he’s no prophet. It didn’t work for him cuz he’s an ass.
I get to have everything. I’m smart enough. I’m
strong enough. I’ve spent my entire life in pursuit of
what I want. Now I know.
I want everything