I did it MY WAY!
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2002-01-18 18:55:41 (UTC)

Later at home.....11 Dec. 01

Before I left work I talked to S and told him that I didn't
think we should talk tonight - both us have had a bad day -
for differnet reasons, but bad all the same. When I got
home S and I shared the niceties and even manage a few
smiles - I needed a hug and helped myself to him. I feel
like an idiot for being needy tonight - but I just wanted a
hug after a bad day.
Things were progressing quietly, but nicely. I was fixing
my computer, we had dinner, I read my book, etc...Then we
go out for a cig and S has to get it going. It starts out
w/ me asking S if he told the managers of our apt. complex
about our partying neighbors who's guest was out peeing in
the bushes last night. He told me he had but that they
didn't seem surprised or moved to action. Then he says "I
gotta move out of here....I don't care where, Ijust gotta
move." and follows this statement with "I have been
thinking....I don't think we should buy a house
together....I mean, we can't even trust each other, I don't
want to get stuck and fucked." Well, I am just done. I
don't really want to get into it - but I take the bait and
say "Geez, so sorry that I don't focus on all of the
negative shit in our lives....I never even though about
that because I am committed to you and our
relationship...." Net think I know S is starting about how
I left him. Again, I am sorry that I made that mistake,
BUT I am getting so tired of that being the focal point of
every fight we have. Just like the internet, buying a
house has nothing to do w/ 2 years ago. It really is now
becoming a useless point w/ me. S has over used it.
I don't even know what I feel any more. I love him so
much, but I get hurt by him so often. I iknow that it is
not normal. I know that I am wasint valuable time and
mental energy waiting for him to "wake-up" and appreciate
me. I am waiting for him to understand that I came back
because I am so in love w/ him. Hoping & waiting for him
to get a pleased look on his face. The reality of the
situation dawning on him....and for us to live "happily
ever after." What else can I do? Work on getting myself
happy. What will it take? I do think that I am a good
person. I have made my share of mistakes - but I have
learned valuable lessons from most of them - I do deserve
to be loved! I deserve to be treated w/respect. It is so work I feel GREAT....people like me, they want
to hear my opinions and I feel valued. I am a great
organizer. I work so well under pressure. I enjoy a
challenging task. I love to figure out solutions to
problems. I really am a valuable human being!!! I have
been searching for myself for years and even though I sell
myself short to and for S, I will get better! I will stay
strong and struggle through....working on myself daily,
hourly by the minutes and seconds if I have to. Reading
keeps me focused. I think that each book I read, I take a
peice of it and try to put it to practice.Like learing to
detach....remembering that another person's problems
or "sickness" is not your own. Like I continue to tell
myself, you cannot change or make anyone better except
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things that I can and
the wisdom to know the difference