GreenEyedDevil

I did it MY WAY!
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2002-01-18 18:25:05 (UTC)

Focus, focus, focus 11 Dec. 01

I had been trying really hard to focus on making myself a
better person and building my self confidence a bit. After
our last session at the counselors, I knew the only way to
make anything better was to just focus on me. I have
reading a multitude of self help books and trying to put
inot practice a few of the suggestions. I cannot allow
myself to be pulled into a black hole with S. I need to
constantly remind myslef that I can't help him. He needs
to work on hs own issues ~ it is very hard! I want so much
to make him read these books & help us to get our marriage
on track & each day I have to tell myself that there isn't
a thing I can do for him.
This morning I lost site of my goals for a moment & let
him "get to me." We were on the phone & he asked me about
the new chat place that I downloaded. My fears of him
chatting w/other women crept in and pretty soon we were
passing emails back and forth about how much the other
person was wrong. The funny thing about this is that he
got mad @ me having this & "hiding" it from him ~ Which is
true ~ I did want to hide it from him ~ I don't want him to
have yet another means to chat online w/other women. I know
that he continues to chat. It hurts me, but I don't know
what else to do. When will I be strong enough to tell him
Enough! Is my leaving him the only solution? It seems to me
there ought to be another way. I know the solution is not
ignoring it & hiping it will go away. Even w/every book
that I read advises against it - I stilljust hold out hope.
And to make matters, S actually tries very hard for a week
or so - then we havea really great day & he seems to panic
and will do just about anything to figh w/ me. This is
just like the kids behaviour ~ when they were babies, they
would always take 2 steps back before they made one step
forward. Regression is the word. It is extrelely hard to
change your ways overnight & I know this for myself - I get
confused by S's actions - I mean he does try & then he
eventrually screws up....do I chalk it up to just that or
do I say "Screw it, he'll never change?" I guess what I
really need to ask myself is if he has been making progress
in between the screw-ups....and I truly believe that he
has. I think the fights are a little less intense & on the
other side of them we do better. I get so emotionally
confused though!
I need to stop spending so much of my time & mental energy
on "helping" S - while watching my low self confidence get
even lower. It sucks to have to work when my mind is on S
& our problems. I am physically @ work - but mentally I am
hashing over how I could have avoided the fight or how I
must have to be to blame. I don't think htat I am @ fault
for hiding that chat - I just cannot see encouraging him!
If I point out new chat sites, am I not telling him to try
it out???
I just need to try a little harder to stay focused on my
goals. I need to sit quietly & write my list of goals
down. I need some free time in which to do this. Lunch
hour aint cutting it & in the evenings I try to entertain S
to keep him off of the internet!!! Unhealty to say the
least!


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