daydream disbeliever

Mad Ramblings From a Blithering Idiot
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2002-01-18 05:15:02 (UTC)

What N and Others Have Said

Three times in one night...heavens, I'm bored.
However, with the revelation that was the last entry I
suppose I ought to write what was said. Also, like I
mentioned before, insomnia strikes me once again. So my
journal and SpaceGhost are my only company. Ah, well.

As N and I were driving back to town, we were
discussing various events that had happened yesterday (she
worked, I didn't-I finally had a day off after nine in a
row). They involved (who else?) J. I had forgotten that
I'd told her about the soft lines/A teasing crises and
reminded her of them. She thought it was funny and
said, "You know, he's only 21 [and here I thought he was
23], a hard worker, ambitious, and looking to move
upward."

She also said, "Maybe you should quit and then you
should ask him out."

To this I put on my obligatory "Eeeww" face and
said, "No way. The only guy I want is Brian." She
disagreed. "You put some Levi's on him and a non-dress
shirt, maybe some boots or tennis shoes and he's pretty
cool, even kind of cute."
"He looks like a chipmunk. No way. I don't like him."
"He does not. He's not bad looking."
"Uh-uh."
"Yes."
"Please hush."
"You know, he's been trying to clean himself up more.
The stains on his teeth are gone now [coffee stains, I
think] and he's even loosened up some. I mean, he's still
very by-the-book, but he's not as anal any more or the
stuck-up jackass I originally thought he was."

Completely off-topic statement: Zorak never did get
his fly honeys.

Says I, "Well, I still don't like him. At all."
"I don't see why not. He's really a pretty nice guy."
"No!"
The subject dropped kind of quickly after that and we
talked about her ex-husband and the weird guys at the bar
where she and most of the of-age crowd at work hangs out.

I hate myself for liking someone I have no business
having any feelings for. In fact, he's someone I actively
disliked for a long time, since he scared me that first
day. Why do I always do these stupid things? Or rather,
why does my mind take these weird roads of musing during my
unsettling "white nights"? When I'm awake I'm plagued by
J, and when I'm asleep I'm plagued by the MM. I haven't
mentioned before that I've dreamed of him many times. The
six month "anniversary" of our last telephone conversation
was January eighth. What woke me up that morning was a
disturbing dream that involved he and I having a telephone
conversation that made absolutely no sense. The next day I
was awakened by a similar dream, only this time we were
arguing-the exact topic I cannot remember, but I remember
waking up feeling sarcastic and infuriated. I never did
get to have any kind of say or control in the
relationship. I suppose so, anyway. Perhaps it was Mindy
that did. Hell, maybe they're married now.

Speaking of Mindy, her name accidentally slipped out
of my mouth the other day. I meant to say "Mandy", another
girl that works at the store. L said that that meant that
Mindy was talking about me. I'd never heard that old
wive's tale before, and I hope it isn't true, but I suspect
that it might be. It's funny, some parts of me are so
anally sensible and others are very wary and
superstitious. I'm just a freak, I guess. Me and a
billion others, I know. But we can't expose our true
selves to anyone. Why? That's one of the unanswerabe
questions.

Back to the issue at hand. I only hope that no one
knows my true feelings toward J, although I have a dread
that A suspects it. Damn her. She's so quick to point out
when he's working or when he walks through the department.
She thinks it's a huge joke, I believe. As long as she
keeps her comments to herself I'll be okay. The same goes
for N. She's my own flesh and blood, she shouldn't betray
me, even though I haven't told her how I feel, she must
suspect something as well. She's no fool. Not like me,
any way. Not like me at all. I'm a walking dumbass.

K.


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