Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2018-04-22 01:17:45 (UTC)

Shot in the Dark

The delicate matter of timing which can take an off-hand remark and make it prescient, or an odd comment becomes a sardonic foreshadowing. So as I set out to explore my feelings of sadness over the now obvious demise of my dream for a relationship with That Guy, a wisp of conversation floated back into my mind.

Upon reuniting, as it were, with That Guy this last time. I laid my heart bare and put out all emotions connected to him. He said he felt "an affection" for me. Upon later reflection with Best Friend to try to stem any flights of fancy on my part., she inquired over how I thought he'd meant it. My knee-jerk response was to credit him with self-protecting understatement, however something about how he'd said it made me hesitate. So I did what any modern person does, I googled it.

" A gentle feeling of fondness or liking.
'she felt affection for the wise old lady' "

I brought this up with him at our next conversation. Which led to me to write Next Time Just Say "Thank You." This was a while back and yes, I do self-edit in a way that tends to the better of myself and others at the cost of the bald, honest truth. So it was forgotten not long after I wrote it. Flash to now when I am down and a little darker than usual over the whole stupid affair since it is becoming painfully evident that he's totally not coming back, ever. Or at the very least, I would be ridiculously surprised given his last email telling me to politely f*ck off and lose his number when he decided against basic reality and our whole past that I was menacing him. So now in this whole dark mess, his words come wafting back to me.

And my words further, back yet, about giving only one last try and if I couldn't manage it, cutting him off for good, no way back, etc.... Would that I had followed that! I could have spared myself the humiliation of that pathetic run at finding some way forward with him, when I should have been finding some way forward *without* him. I could have had a bit of self-respect and dignity then. That might have been nice. As it was him, not I, who got in the last kiss off comment, I will have to content myself with just leaving.

That's okay because there was another comment I said to him in a moment of pique and clarity. I told him he'd never been without my love and he was about to be. And he is. It is a wretched thing to snuff out hope, a crime against humanity in a way, but a necessary evil in order to heal completely. You cannot find peace while you still hold on to the world, which I will broadly attribute to Buddhist Principles. Hope keeps a piece of you mired in the past, married to the moment.

So will this process of letting go culminate and set me free from him, once and for all? Will he show back up again before it has completed and reignite me? Can there realistically be an over when the parties have held on for years? Is that the unending optimism? Find out on our next exciting episode! F*ck cliffhangers.




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