🌅Katie-Brave🌌

✉My Letter To The World✉
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2018-02-28 18:42:58 (UTC)

Twinless

Mood: Thoiughtful
Song: Amen by Edens Edge
Color: Fuchia

Screaming inside my mind at the frustrating grief.

When i drive a car and i'm alone glancing into the passenger seat and thinking you should be there.

Being Shocked at how much it hurts to miss someone you barely knew.

Feeling like a part of you is missing.

Closing my eyes and focusing on a memory and feeling your presence, there and then being gone.

Not ever Having a younger brother Despite other children coming in and out of our home and life.

Wondering if i like something because i like it or because you may have liked it in life.

Remembering The articles that talk about living the life for the Twin that died.

Feeling Survives guilt at a young age and not realizing that's what it was.

Feeling Survivers guild as an adult and it not being much easier.

Wanting to Write what it feels like but all the words feel Cliche.

Finding Bogus sights on the internet that say the offer support but it's really just a money making scheam exploiting people's grief.

Wondering if I'm the only one who thinks about you this much.

Remembering that someone left toys on your Grave last year...and wanting to know who cares enough to do so?

Feeling an ache that has never gone away no matter how old i get, it's one that time won't take away.

Feeling Lonely in a way that i've been looking to fill my whole life.


Having questions that will never be answered this side of heaven.

Refeering to "My" Birthday to "Our" Birthday in my mind when the day comes around...even if i never say it outloud to anyone on the day.

It being very difficult sometimes to watch other twins be together, especially if they are fighting because they take what they have for

granted.

Feeling Cheated out of being with my twin because of the stupidity of people.

Loss.

Confusion.

Fear.

Anger.

Sadness.

Longing.

What other words do i have?
How can i say it in a way that could make someone understand how intense this sometimes feels, it's like it comes back to haunt me, the pain and the loss...
I'm fine living my life and doing normal day to day things and then something sparks a though in my head, and i feel the need to talk about this, to think about it, to write about it, to do research to fine the right words to show how it is....
But i have yet to find something i have said, or soemthing someone else has said that correctly sum it up, i don't guess it's actually able to be summed up.
I mean Grief in any other situation we don't try to sum up...and this feels more intesne in some ways than other grief i have experienced.
I Don't know.

I Guess i just can't let the feeling pass, i have to acknowledge that i am a twin, I have a twin brother, he was real, he was there with me 9 months in the womb about 6 months on earth and then killed, i have to believe that everything happens for a reason, that God had purpose for his life, for mine, and that his life isn't just.... forgotten.

Peace