Ruinsofbeauty

Sleepless Dreams
2018-01-21 03:59:25 (UTC)

A Little Payback

I've still been really distracted.. which means I have a lot going on in my mind, so I have tons to write about, but I just can't finish anything. I can't sit still and just write. I keep getting up and doing things. I feel like I've been doing this for weeks, but I really don't know how long it's been. Another thing I've noticed is that I go for longer stretches without having such drastic mood swings. I've actually been feeling pretty decent. Normally, that would mean that an extreme low was coming, but, so far, it hasn't come. I really hope this lasts because the lows are so bad. God. I think someone else who wasn't as strong or didn't have the tolerance for lows like that might just jump off a building or something. It was really getting bad. I would never kill myself, though. And I'm not going to give you some bullshit about how life is precious or anything.. even though, sometimes, it is.. The reason I've never killed myself is because I'm too afraid. I'm not afraid of much (mostly, just bugs and anything that scurries), but I would never take my own life. I think the fear comes from it being "wrong". We're not supposed to do that. I know myself. I would feel really guilty while waiting to die. I would call for help or something, so why bother doing it? Besides, I've never wanted to be dead. I just don't want to be miserable.


A funny thing happened this morning. My older daughter knocked on my door and told me that Jeff (her dad) was on his way. I popped out of bed and starting cleaning up right away, while cursing under my breath. In the back of my mind, I wondered why she wasn't hurrying, but I figured, "Oh well. She just won't be ready when he gets here, and he'll see what the hell I put up with." So I'm cleaning up and trying to get ready at the same time, when I realize that it's been a long time. He should have been here by that time. On the weekends, the drive is only about 45 minutes. So I ask my daughter, "Was Jeff actually going to leave when you talked to him?" And she says, "No. I just like to see you get mad." Motherfucking shit! lol That's what happens when you have jokster parents. We did the same thing to her. We woke her up, on a Friday night, at midnight, and told her it was time to get ready and go to school. lol (Yeah, I know, we shouldn't be parents.) lol You see? I'm even laughing. I always laugh, even when I'm miserable, but I've never come here and told funny stories. What the hell is wrong with me. It's like I'm in a good mood or something. Is the world going to end?




Ad: