rainy

My heart in a knot
2018-01-13 01:08:01 (UTC)

Joined a gym

I finally did it after months of saying I would but never did.... well actually I was waiting for it to open. I joined a gym because I'm on a mission to improve my health in a radical way. Doctors have failed me, my adoptive parents failed me so it's up to me to figure this out on my own. I won't lie, lately I've been wondering more and more if my health problems can be attributed to a growth of some kind, maybe on the pituitary gland or somewhere in my brain near the hippocampus. All I know is that my biggest issue has something to do with my endocrine system.


Although I joined the gym yesterday I haven't gone yet, the reason why is because for the last week my thyroid seems to be completely out of wack and the only thing I can attribute it to is one day at work after going into the break room I smelled the strong scent of cigarette and it irritated my glands. That was also the day that I believe my body was entering the cycle stage and releasing certain hormones to begin the cycle process and as I've learned in the past year for some reason my cycle sends me into the worst of moods, fatigue, and brain fog.


It's not that I expect exercising to fix all my problems, it's rather a combination of things and changes I'm going to make, but at my old job where I was doing a lot of physical activity I realized lately that some of my strongest memories were formed while working there, I don't know if it's because of the exercise or the fact that I was challenging myself physically and mentally more than any time in my life. This is one of the reasons why kids who are in sports activities usually excel academically, it's what I needed as a child but my adoptive parents never cared to allow me to join anything so I remained dormant and never used certain parts of my brain.


I'm currently on cycle day 5 and I can feel things starting to clear up slowly, I don't know what exactly caused my thyroid to start acting up the way it has, this is a new symptom that I've never experienced so intensely before but I think it had something to do with grains I had eaten and lymph that was trying to drain but got clogged. I have been doing and eating a lot of things that stimulate lymph drainage but I haven't been active enough for it to drain properly, the reason why I know that is because my body has been craving for me to be more active I guess in an attempt to get rid of the excess waste that I've stimulated..... that's just my theory. So hopefully when I start at the gym I will start to see improvements right away.

As of now I'm still kind of stuck despite taking baby steps. I read a quote yesterday that said "You can't heal in the same place you got sick", and that really resinates with me because for a while now I've understood that I need a change of environment to help me grow, to help me heal, and to help me more on with my life in a positive direction, however I can't make any irrational decisions without a plan first, I learned my lesson when I quit my job (I burned a bridge before crossing), and right now I haven't crossed enough to be able to burn any new bridges. That's why I say I'm currently stuck, my original plan was to be in some type of educational program that would at least give me a leg up in the job market so that I could keep myself stable when and if I moved away, I'm also supposed to be putting myself out there more, meeting new people and making small talk with strangers but that hasn't happened yet. I honestly have fears about it still.


I actually don't know when I will go to the gym for the first time, it will definitely be soon but one of my worries was the thought of going in there and not looking my best, I know its not a place to try to impress people but I actually want to meet people and make friends, not scare people away! so I'm going to work on my outside a bit and recenter my health. I got kind of lucky at the grocery store yesterday and ended up with a free bottle of probiotics. They were on sale for half off with a coupon, when I was checking out the lady couldn't get the coupon to work so she manually changed the price, but the problem was she only changed the original price and not the sale price, so I went back in after checking my receipt to do a refund because honestly these probiotics are not worth the full price, but the guy ended up doing the refund and giving me the bottle for free. I think this is definitely a sign for me to see if this is a brand I want to stick with or if I need to find a better brand.


The whole probiotic thing has actually been kind of difficult for me, I know I need a good probiotic but I feel like it's a hit or miss with these brands and trying to figure out if any of them are actually alive and doing anything for my gut health, I also look for certain strains because they each have a different benefit for gut health. This is one of the reasons why I get so upset that I quit my old job that paid well because if I were still there I would be able to try different brands of probiotics and not worry too much about breaking the bank or wasting money. So right now all I can do is hope that this brand I'm currently on (which is on the cheaper end) will show some results along with diet and exercise changes and maybe I can stick with it for a while.

I'm still at my hospital job despite the fact that I haven't even received the supposed raise I was supposed to get, it makes me mad because either they are doing things slow or they have issues with paperwork or maybe both. I've already started the process of looking for a new job though or maybe trying to branch out in the same company but I will be honest, I don't know how much longer I will be able to make it there especially without my raise.


Lately I've become more serious with my time, I feel so upset about wasting so many years and not really doing anything with my life, it's at the point that I feel that I have to make everyday count in order to make up for all the lost time. I am also still very angry about it, and I'm angry at my adoptive parents for keeping me so stagnant and dependent. I think about what my life would have been life if I were able to have gotten my feet off the ground when I was younger, and maybe by now I'd have the family, house, career and life I have been dreaming of.

Lately sean has been more and more serious/persistent about getting back into my life and I'm not really sure what his motive is but it seems like he is trying to make a romantic connection, he even wants to go on a date. The reality is that I'm not attracted to him the same way I was when I was younger, when I first met him I was so desperate for my life to start, I wanted marriage and a family of my own and I expected it to come naturally and quickly. That's not to say I wasn't attracted to him, I was and he's still fairly handsome but when I was younger I didn't consider personality as much as I do now. Sean has always been the outgoing, social type and I always admired that about him because I wanted to be that way as well but in the past I would get so caught up in my self esteem issues...etc, anyway, he says he is going to be moving back to the area soon, I don't really know what this will mean for our friendship or whatever you may call it, but I'm going to try not to worry too much about it. Right now though I'm still working on building new relationships with people.


I feel like I've made a final decision with my diet as well. The conclusion that I've come to is that it's too risky for me to continue to eat the foods that I've been eating when I don't know what is triggering me. All I know is that a few weeks ago I had a pizza, some grains, cheese and some tomatoes and soon after I got sick, this was after a week or so of clean eating and feeling amazing. I want to feel amazing all the time because when I feel amazing I get things done and my life moves in a positive direction. So I can no longer afford to wait and see if I will react to a certain food or not. Like I said.... doctors haven't been helpful in helping me to understand what is going on with my body and why I seem to react to food/toxins.... even sometimes I think it's more psychosomatic than my health. The other night it felt like I had a fever but I took my temperature and everything was normal so it's apparent that at least some of my symptoms are likely coming from just feeling lonely.


All I know is that somethings got to change eventually but I am going to work harder at making that change.




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