Brandon

Brandon
2018-01-12 15:31:33 (UTC)

Anxiety

Many, if not all of the people who write on here, and in diaries in general are trying to cope with some type of fear, insecurity, anxiety, stress, emotion, etc. and they find it the easiest way to express those feelings. Sometimes talking to people you know just isn't enough. Sometimes you can only express certain thoughts and feelings through other creative outlets such as writing. My life the past couple weeks has been incredible. I've accomplished and experienced more in these past 12 days than I did all of 2017. However, I'm still dealing with this overbearing anxiety every morning. Many people know what I'm talking about, your heart racing more quickly than normal, loss of appetite, and overall worry. My money situation has taken a turn for the better lately, leading me to believe it has to do with emotional stress. Understandably, my heart probably hasn't adjusted to my life being completely different now than I expected it to be. I'm having a difficult time deciding what it is I really want. Your heart and your mind don't often agree on these kinds of things. I know what my heart wants. It wants one of two different scenarios, neither of which is possible at this point in time, thus why I use my mind to close out those emotions and thoughts. It's not that I don't let myself feel anything towards them, it's just that I channel my energy into things that can and will make a difference in my life.


It's difficult loving someone, or more than one person in all reality, and not knowing how they're doing, what they're doing, or if they're okay. You don't even long for them out of your own selfish intention, but because you want nothing more than to be able to be there for them and protect them. But when people don't want you in their life, or if they're living hours and hours away where their life really isn't any of your business anymore, it's hard to force yourself to take a step back and tell yourself to move on. I just pray that the people who see them day in and day out will keep them safe. I often get called a selfish person and I'm not sure why, when most of the time I just spew my thoughts and feelings for other people and how much I care about them. I try to live by example but I guess the example I set isn't something a lot of people have the capability to live by. One of my closest friends told me recently that I am one of the most spiritually in-tune people he's met and that isn't something to come by easily. Not many people will be able to relate to or try to relate to how you feel and the level you're on. Many people are incapable. However, in my mind it feels more like a curse than a blessing. It feels like it's just going to make things that much harder to find someone who gets it.

On the opposite side of this anxiety is a well of hope. I'm happier with my life now than I have been in years and the aftermath of this breakup, although heartbreaking, has turned out to be one of the best and most liberating experiences of my life. Now being single, after having found myself, and getting the help I've needed, I am able to experience all the things in life I was deprived of before. I can finally focus on myself and in the meantime, find a man who is just that, an actual man, someone who has his life together and sees the actual worth and value in someone. Someone who doesn't run just because they can't deal with their demons. Someone who is going to stick by me and fight the battles together and not run off because of hurt feelings and pride. I've learned a lot in the past year and now I'm going to put it into practice and stop settling for people who don't deserve me. I'm going to stop giving people my time that do not value nor deserve it. It's time to focus on the future WITH someone who believes in a future. I need someone who isn't just all talk.




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