Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2018-01-07 12:42:53 (UTC)

Angry, Bitter Entry

I'll finish up my other entry eventually. But I need to just. . .


I don't think my psych meds are working anymore. I spent 7 years testing out different meds and trying different combos. . .and I finally found one that works and suddenly a physical, viral infection is messing with it?

I'm fine when I'm high. I'm fine. I'm happy, even. The second that smack hits my veins, the pain is gone (both mental and physical) and I can fucking function like a normal human being. I can interact with others (including my current roommates), I can go to school, I can go to work, I can get an internship, I can handle working 80 hour work-weeks if I have some sort of pain killer in me.

Psych meds are a fucking joke and they always have been. Just give us an unlimited prescription to pain killers. Opiates would be best. Just give us unlimited fucking oxy's or somehow some legal dope. I don't know. I'd certainly prefer oxys over heroin, but we all know that since a dime bag of H is 10 dollars and narcotics are around 50 cents to a dollar per mg THAT IS NOT FINANCIALLY POSSIBLE! A dime bag of h could last me a week. 10 dollars a week is doable. I need at least 4 oxy 80's to last me through a day. Let's see..320 dollars a day...every day...when I currently make less than 600 dollars a month? Hmmmmmmm...... And people wonder why we all turn to H over everything else and then blame us for being heroin addicts. Not like THAT was even my choice. I wasn't the one who decided to pop the pills...or inject the meds...or snort the lines. You don't get to fucking decide that with a gun to your head and a video camera rolling at the age of 13. Hell, it was earlier than that. I think I've mentioned that. But that is not something I'm ready to relive through written word yet. The drugs that were forced on me. . .down my throat, through my veins, under my tongue, between my lips and teeth. . .at the age of 13 by those older men. Kids? Idk, older teens seemed to be adults in my 13 year old eyes. Seniors in high school knew everything in my mind. 17 and 18 year olds knew everything. I'm sure these men were in their 20's, though. There's no way they weren't.

We aren't all addicts by choice. Some get put on narcotics by doctors when they don't even need it and keep getting their dose increased and end up addicts for life. You can google those stories. They're everywhere. Doctors getting thrown in prison and having their licenses taken away for it. I know there was a huge story about that a few years ago. Some doctor who got like 50 people addicted to oxys before he got caught? Fucking scum of the earth.

Trust me when I say I'd do anything to not need these pills. I'd do anything. I'D DO ANYTHING TO NOT HAVE TRACK MARKS UP AND DOWN MY ARMS AND HANDS AND NOW THE BACK OF MY KNEES. I'd do anything. I'd fucking do anything to not wake up and immediately roll over and fish out a bottle of assorted pain pills and pop a handful without even counting anymore.

I don't want this. I don't want this. I have been a slave to drugs for so long. For so fucking long.

But I'd kill for some fentanyl. Even just some oxys. I'm sick of shooting up. I hate needles. They give me panic attacks.

I want relief from the pain, both mental and physical. But there isn't any, other than narcotics.

The reality of this is: Suicide or addiction. Pick one. There ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS. There hasn't been for years. I searched and searched and searched and there are none.

Death or being high enough to function and being high enough to feel content/okay enough not to end it all.

Those are the only two options available. And anyone who thinks there's a third option is either an optimistic, blissfully ignorant, idiot. . .or just fucking neurotypical. Don't you dare come at me telling me there's a third option if you're neurotypical, you piece of shit.

If I could die I would. Maybe I will. I have tried so hard my whole life to do so.

I could try to get back with a psych. I could try to get back and find more psych meds or adjust my dosage or just basically spend the rest of my life with medication management. . .but why bother when it took 7 years to find the one and only drug that fucking helped that wasn't a narcotic or benzo? Why fucking go through all that hassle?

WHY DOES IT MATTER IF WE DIE AT AGE 1 OR AGE 100!? You know what? It doesn't. It fucking doesn't. Babies lives are so precious to goddamn pro-lifers...but when that baby becomes an adult, they stop caring. Pro-lifers are hypocritical pieces of shit that need to be wiped off the face of the goddamn planet.

I hope we all die. I hope this world fucking explodes. I wish I could get a gun and end it. Who wants to do it for me? I've tried to get myself fucking murdered. I've walked NOLA back roads with expensive equipment and money showing, no weapons on me, WAITING for someone to beat me or kill me. Nothing happened. I walked 10 fucking miles in sketchy af areas and the worst that happened was I almost got sold into sex trafficking. No one wants to shoot me? No one wants to give me a gun so I can end it myself? Fuck all of you.

You all say you care. EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS SAY THEY CARE? Will they give me a gun to end it with? No. Will they shoot me themselves? No. Will they find someone who WILL shoot me? No. Tell me again how they "care" and "love me"? Fuck they don't. If they loved me, they would have let my suicide attempts work in the past. They would have fucking killed me themselves. Fucking hypocritical, fake bastards.

This isn't even nihilism. It's fucking pragmatism.

I have never been so fucking angry and so sick of life and so ..... I want to take my anger out on everyone I can. Anyone who dares to touch base with me will get attacked. I will fucking destroy everyone and anyone who dares to do anything positive or negative or neutral for me. I don't care.

I have never been so goddamn motherfucking angry.

I guess the good news is that they've narrowed it down to either lupus or fibromyalgia! If my lupus test comes back negative, then it's fibro. GREAT! I WILL HAVE A NAME FOR THE SUFFERING! WHAT A WONDERFUL FUCKING THING!

People who deserve to live and WANT to live die every fucking day. Yet here I am...spending 24 of my 25 years doing everything in my goddamn power to die........... and it doesn't happen. My over 100 suicide attempts have always been cruelly stopped by someone pretending they care. I don't deserve to live nor do I want to! I never even HAVE deserved to live! Yet, here I am.

Yes, I am typing out of anger but it's helping. Taking it out on an anonymous, random group of people online is certainly helping. I may not be directing this at anyone in particular, but just typing out my rage in general helps.

Whatever. I don't even remember what the purpose of this entry was now.

Being verbally assaulted got me so done that I just....ended up on a tirade.

I have so fucking much to do tomorrow....and I have a whole list of psychs compiled. I want to get in with a neuropsych, because they're not a part of pseudo-science like normal psychs are. They base their diagnoses in fact. In neuroscience and psychopharmacology based off of neuropsych. I've wanted to see a neuropsych for so long. But they're impossible to get in with and far too expensive. And I doubt I can find one who takes medicaid. And I'm not going back to a ward. Never again. Fuck that. No more PTSD from wards ever again. I have enough PTSD from psych wards.

I may call a psych and see if I can fix my medications. Death may just be better, though. I KNOW it's better. Why struggle for an entire lifetime trying to be happy when you know it will never happen....why struggle for all these years trying desperately to get better...when you know it will never fucking happen and if it does, it will be mere brief relief.

All these people saying "it gets better". Yeah, it does. But the time at which it gets better......... to go from eternal suffering your whole life to feeling content and basically okay enough to survive day to day and work on some things you may enjoy a bit for...oh maybe 6 months at the very most every 10 years or so..... Just not worth it. 6 months of feeling okay during 10 years of struggling with every fiber of your mental and physical being to stay alive when all you want to do is die and all you can think about is dying and all you can feel is your fucking heart shutting down from pain...That is not fucking worth it. That is just not fucking worth it.

I need to stop typing because I'm in pan...but I feel a little better, rage-wise. Maybe I'll just pop some more narcotics..... That will get me feeling better, guaranteed. Unlike psych meds. But....whatever.

I know I sound like a fucking 12 year old brat. I know I sound immature and bitter. I know I'm a soon-to-be-26 year old person who should act his fucking age. But I'm not, okay? I'm just not gonna act my age here. This is bitter little toddler Killian speaking. Thank you and goodbye.




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