rainy

My heart in a knot
2018-01-05 03:29:35 (UTC)

I wish people were more honest

The last few nights I haven't been getting enough sleep, I don't know if its because of the stress getting to me from my jobs or if it's just the frustration that I'm feeling knowing that it's a new year and I'm still doing the same habits that lead to terrible years, year after year. I know I need to get away from my family, it may sound harsh but they have done nothing for me but shelter me and keep me stagnant. They provide no love, no advice, no inspiration... all they provide is a space for me to remain in my shell to continue holding onto my fears about what might happen out here. But nothing is happening for me, nothing has been happening for me for over a decade and I'm sick of it. I'm no longer satisfied with a job and living a routine life.

I was adopted into a small family with few resources by people who never showed any love or care. Because of how I grew up I suffered socially and remained stagnant behind my peers, I was treated like a child even when I started to grow into my maturity. One of the destructive habits of my adoptive parents is that they hold onto everything, even their house still looks the same inside and out since we were children, they don't like change, they don't like new ideas and they wanted to keep as children as an extension of them and not individuals capable of our own autonomy. When I turned 18 I tried so desperately to find a way out but they set me up to fail, I had so many fears about the world and living life that it held me back and I remained in my shell.


Lately I've been so disappointed in myself, especially with this hospital job, I hate this job, I've hated it ever since I stepped into that kitchen and realized that this wasn't the opportunity I was hoping for but just a dead end job working with people whose only concern in life is pleasure. My coworkers make fun of me because I'm different, but to be fair I went into this job disappointed and with a negative mindset, instead of spreading positivity I spread a feeling of wanting to be distant and indifference to them, are they all bad people? sometimes I honestly think so, they constantly make fun of the mental health patients as if they are subhuman when the reality is that these individuals could be their family, friends or even themselves one day. They are a very blunt and harsh group, profanity is their vocabulary of choice and they talk a lot about gossip, sex, and the like. They talk about me too because I remain distant around them.

The thing that is actually starting to worry me the most though isn't their words but all the of cigarette smoke I'm exposed to when I'm there. Yesterday I went into a room and could smell a strong odor, about 30 minutes later I started to feel sick, I still feel sick right now, luckily I know how to detox myself from toxicity now before my symptoms get worst but I'm not sure if I may have been exposed to a virus or if it was the cigarette smell coming from the smokers around the corner. Smoking is an epidemic where I live, I didn't realize how bad it is until I started working at this hospital, it seems like nearly half or more of the service workers smoke. The tobacco industry is making huge profits here, even despite efforts of anti-tobacco groups many of the youth around here also smoke. Everyone knows smoking gives you an increased risk of cancer and other diseases but I don't think they care.... like I was saying, it seems that many of my coworkers are primarily concerned with pleasure, the pleasure from gossiping, smoking, drinking... basically the adult playground, I don't know if they care about other issues in the world, I don't know if they think outside of their immediate situation.

In all fairness, the tobacco industry has turned a profit off of something addictive and destructive but like I said, my coworkers (who about 80 percent are smokers) don't care. In my opinion, smoking is like the fast food business, it's unhealthy and addictive as well as convenient. In the past I advocated against it, but later changed my stance... honestly I think adults should be able to engage in self destructive behavior if they want to, as long as that behavior doesn't do harm to other people and there is access to information about the destructiveness of the behavior, like smoking. The issue is when children are involved, children don't know and are at risk of exposure to second hand smoke, and health issues from too much fast food or processed foods. But who am I to tell adults how to live their lives? I guess the same can be applied to how I view my sisters excessive video game playing, in my opinion it is self destructive because she isn't motivated for anything better in life but who am I to tell her how to live her life? the video game industry profits because she spends the money she makes on their products, but they are making millions of dollars and she is living in poverty... you see the trend? the tobacco industry is making millions of dollars and my coworkers are living in poverty because they spend likely 15 percent of their income on smoking and smoking products, not to mention the burden they put on the health care system when they get sick.


Anyway, I'll stop writing about that subject for now because everyone has a different opinion about it.


Work at my first job is about to slow down for me, the company found a new victim (I mean employee) to take over the store I was covering temporarily. My work at that store ends this week so I was thinking of going in today and finishing up the last few assignments, I was originally going to go on Saturday but I think I want to take the weekend to relax, clean up my environment, and re-balance my health. I'm going to miss the extra income but I'll be gaining extra time to work on my goals and plans to get into a better career, get a social life, and plan things for myself. The hours at my hospital job are also down for next week which means my paycheck after the next one will be meager. The sad thing is that I shouldn't be struggling right now if I had played my cards right when I had the opportunity in school, but I had no guidance, no motivation and bad apathy even though I did manager to graduate with a high GPA it was mostly because I got scholarships and they required a high GPA.


So far it's been 5 days into the new year and nothing has changed. I am more motivated than ever however it sometimes fades.... honestly I have to say the situation at my hospital job is often where I find my motivation. Everyday I walk in there and think about my coworkers and how they ridicule me behind my back and then think of the fact that they are making just enough money to get by, yet in the same building there are doctors and professionals who (rather through hard work or privilege) are making 50 times the salaries of me and my coworkers doing service work. I'm certain just one doctor alone makes more money in a week than all of our salaries combined in a year. Money isn't everything but with it comes the ability to buy comfort and peace of mind which can enhance ones life and even extend it. This may sound morbid but I sometimes think about the life expectancy of my coworkers vs those higher on the social economic chain, is there a balance in the universe for things like that? or maybe it's not about life expectancy but the quality of life while alive.


Anyway, it's currently Friday and I got about 4 hours of sleep last night, it's strange because what seems to be waking me up isn't my inability to sleep... it's like a drive to change and grow is waking me up, I wake up and start thinking about all I haven't done with my life and I question life in general. My problem is that I have too much time to focus and think about things like this, that's why people fill their days with drama, gossip, activities, family/friends and anything they can to distract them from the everyday routine and fast pace of life. Just the other day I was thinking of the reality of how much time has passed, so much so that children have been born and become adults and are living much better than me!

I'm going to try and get an hour of sleep before getting up and deciding on my plans for today, I go to my hospital job later in the evening.




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