Golden Girl's Diary
2018-01-03 17:36:26 (UTC)

The guy who destroyed me!

It's been a while since I wrote last. I thought writing helped me - in fact it did but I reached a point where I could think no more so I couldn't write as a result - because all I could feel was emptiness. I was nothing, I felt nothing. I got in touch with him a few times. We talked a few days back to back until I finally I told him everything. I told him what I felt about him.. How I couldn't stop thinking about him for months.. I told him even my new dates don't help because I am searching for him in every face and in every body. His answer to all my confession was that it would be too pressured if we started seeing each other again. He said a lot has happened over the time and that it wouldn't feel the same. I was shattered once more. It's all my fault I know.. I shouldn't have told him, I shouldn't have carried it out this far.. but as I keep thinking, I get more angry at him.. He led me on at times.. He messaged me on the dating app a few times and he called to meet up... All of this for nothing? Was it so that we could become friends? As if he doesn't have enough friends already? No it's none of these.... It was to see how far he could go into my pants without me putting it out there, how much I truly want him.. He wanted fun all along... Nothing more.. I was blind to see. Last time I saw him, I asked him to talk about the past. I had never seen him that angry before... He was shouting at me... Telling me I am passive aggressive and he can't take it anymore.. that I have to accept I went wrong, learn from it and move on... Stupid drunk me asked him to take me home, for one last time... He said that wouldn't be appropriate... and so we said goodbye forever... Not loud but we knew this was the end.... I knew it that I would never see him again.... I knew we were done... I cried so much that night... thought I couldn't breath anymore... Thought it was the end of the world.... alcohol weed tablets sleep nothing helped... Something was hurting within me so badly.. That was that... My new year resolution - Feel nothing - learn from your mistakes - move on!!! I took your advice Michael!.