Sleepless Dreams
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2018-01-03 15:53:33 (UTC)

It Might Be Progress

I think without my knowing that it was an actual process that I was undergoing, I have been defining myself in order to figure out who I am without the physical presence of the top members of my family. I never hid behind them, but I know that I felt a great deal of strength just because they were there. I think I needed to figure out who I was without them being physically present in the world I live in. I know that they live in my heart, always, but what voice would I have without them actually here? Would I even have a voice? Would it be loud enough to be heard? Yes, I think I have the perfect balance of both my mom and my grandfather. My mom never took any shit from anybody, but she was too loud sometimes. My grandfather never took any shit either, but he was unassuming. By the time you realized that you had made a mistake in crossing him, it was too late. You were already exactly where he wanted you, and you had never even seen him coming. I think I've found a combination of the two of them that works for me. I also think I've become even stronger now that they reside in my heart. I know that for a while, I lost almost almost all of my strength. I didn't think I had any left, and I wasn't sure that I was going to be able to make it in this life without them, but, apparently, I've been doing just that. I've been making it, and I've been getting better as time goes on. (Maybe I'm like Luke Skywalker, and my family has become the force I have with me. lol) I don't know, but I definitely feel more anchored now. I don't feel like an abandoned balloon just floating away anymore. I don't even feel like a balloon.. wait, yes, I do, I just ate this lemon square I made yesterday, and I drank a Coke Zero. Now I feel bloated.. But I think if I hadn't eaten that, I'd feel like a person who is ready to face the day. I know these feelings come and go, and, tomorrow, I may very well feel like I'm not ready to face anything, but who cares? In this moment, the one that matters, because it's the moment I'm living in, I am ready to face this day. That's a feeling I haven't had in a long time.