Maykayla

Life is complicated
2018-01-03 08:59:57 (UTC)

01.03.18

Life is confusing. It is complicated. It is one of the most complex things in the world. And.. it's hard to let go of something that you truly love. Love is special and it's heartbreaking. It's hard to let go. I learned that today.. you have to let go. If someone leaves your life.. chances are they may never come back. And you don't want to think that. You're in denial. You want to hold on to them for as long as you can in hopes that one day they will return to your side. And they might. But most of the time.. they go their separate ways. They forget about you. They don't think about you anymore. They don't dream that you will be there when they wake up. They don't think of you like you do them. And.. That's what I learned. He left me months ago. We weren't even together all that long. Five months going onto six. He didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. He decided to leave me. He decided I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I didn't deserve to love him. And maybe he did love me for awhile. Maybe what he said was true. Maybe him telling me goodnight and that he will be there waiting for me to wake in the morning.. maybe he meant that. Or maybe it was a lie. Maybe he just wanted to feel special. He wanted to make himself feel wanted. He wanted to feel the attention. He wanted a girlfriend to kiss and to love like everyone else. He didn't want to be lonely. And it took me months to realize that. It took me forever to actually realize that he wasn't coming back. He left for a reason. He didn't leave for a few days.. he left forever. He didn't want to be here with me. And I was in denial. Everyone told me he didn't care.. and I think a part of me knew that.. but a part of me also was wanting to hold on. A part of me wanted to stay on the ship. I didn't want to go overboard. And it's a new year now. And.. that new year just happened to shake me into the water. With everyone else. With all my thoughts and feelings crashing down on me now. Now that I finally realize it's over.. it hurts. I'm drowning.
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