Ruinsofbeauty

Sleepless Dreams
2018-01-02 04:44:14 (UTC)

Consequences

You know what my favorite part has been? I haven't had to hear that big fucking mouth trying to tell me what to do. My God. I realized the other day that I was just sort of doing nothing.. sitting around.. but I had kind of a content feeling, and I realized it was because this gigantic fucking cock wasn't in my life anymore. In fact, I don't even have to see him on the street or in front of his house anymore, and it feels good. (Maybe his wife anchored him down inside the house until they move.) Way back when this first happened, I expect that both of us were feeling something different. He had to fix the mess at home, and I had to come to terms with the fact that, this time, the split between us wasn't temporary. Up to that point, it was always in the hands of one of us to see each other again, and neither one of us had ever been successful in severing ties (although, before the confrontation, I was really trying hard to stick to it and had not been the first one to give in, by contacting him, from our separations in months. I think I was making progress, because he would always do it). The longest we had ever gone was six weeks. Six weeks without communicating.. and that wasn't because we wanted to part. It was because he wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do, and I had said no. So we were at a standoff. For being stupid, his tactics are sometimes pretty effective, because, ultimately, I gave in when he positioned his car, so that, when I drove both to and from the school, in the morning, I would have to see his face when I drove by. At that time, I had made the mistake of giving in, and it set the cycle in motion of him thinking he could do anything, and I would just take it.. and I did for a long time. I couldn't understand it, either. All of a sudden, I was trapped, and that was the one feeling in the world that I couldn't stand.. and I kept trying to figure how I had ended up in this position, because, normally, in relationships, I'm the one who is a little more in charge. I don't take it by force or anything, it just happens. Someone always wears the pants in a relationship, and it's always been me. That's because for me to even engage and commit to a relationship, I have to be able to feel as though I can do anything I want. The one thing in the world that will make me seek escape, faster than a jack rabbit, is if I feel as though I don't have freedom. To someone like me, that's a fate worse than death. I don't like anybody telling me shit. It's not like I'm a rebellious teen (I'm not even a teen.. I have a teenage daughter) or anything.. I don't just walk around in the world defying things, but I don't like when people feel that they can tell me what to do, when they don't have that right. I even get sort of annoyed when I'm driving and someone does it. And this is, like, a totally innocent act, but I have noticed that it bothers me. It's actually kind of funny, because it must mean that I'm a fucking nutcase. lol You know when you're driving, and you come to a stop, and it's someone's else's turn to go at the stop sign? It's not your turn. You just got there, but, for some reason, the person whose turn it is, isn't willing to go yet, so they tell YOU to go. Well, what gives that fuck the right to tell me to go? Maybe I don't want to go. Maybe I want to hang out out at the stop sign, too. The part that bothers me is the wave of the hand that the persons gives you. It's always this hurried wave.. like if I'm the one who's wrong. I'm not wrong. I just got there. YOU don't want to go, and now you're forcing your turn on me. Don't wave at me like I fucked up. Man, fuck that person. So, yeah, I've had time to have all of this go through my head at a stop sign and come to the realization that anyone who does that is a self-important cock. (I've done it, too, so it's ok if you've just realized that you're a self-important cock too.) So it's easy to see that I would have found the realtionship I was in problematic. The areas where my rights were trampled on, just as a person, weren't even really addressed in detail because it wasn't necessary. I didn't let him get physical with me, but I have no doubt that it would have gone that route if I had been his only woman. The only reason that I wasn't treated worse, and ,like a complete possession, was because he already had one. I walked into the relationship doing things that he would never allow his own woman to do. Sometimes, when you're in a position like I was in, where the depression is so bad that you are having trouble with even the basic, every day tasks, you learn to pick and choose your battles. When you're in that compromised state, you can't take things on simultaneously. Only the most pressing matters will be addressed (if you can handle it), and the rest will be put on the back burner, or even let go, if you feel it's something you can tolerate. For me, even though I was severely depressed, and I did feel as though I wanted to die, I hadn't envisioned being someone's personal posession while doing it. I was angry that I had even managed to let this happen, because I'm not that type of woman. I don't want to offend anyone, but some people are just walking, talking victims. They walk around, all day, oblivious to the fact, that they are going to wind up the victiim of someone who is more skilled at manipulation. There are degrees of severity, of course, but it might be something as simple as buying something that you didn't intend to buy. Your friends might call you a sucker because you're the one who will always buy candy from that kid outside of the store who's selling candy to raise money for school. Or you might be that person who always gives that homeless guy your spare change while you're exiting the liquor store. That was always me before any of these deaths in my family occured. I was nice. I was controlling and assertive in the areas that needed a strong person to take control, but I still had a weak (or soft) spot for anyone selling something or asking for change outside of a store. I had become more assertive in the areas that needed work when I started handling the intervention that was needed for my younger daughter who is autistic. In times of crisis, I have no problem rising up and being the voice that needs to be heard as long as it isn't for me. When it's for myself, I, sometimes, back down. When it's for someone I love, I have no problem whatsoever pushing forward, getting to the head of the line, and getting what is needed for my loved one. While this situation wasn't for someone else, but, in fact, for me, it was a far cry from buying some candy or giving a guy my spare change. It was a relationship, and I was doing things or not doing things because someone had said so, and that someone wasn't me. I didn't know how to handle it because, in every other area of my life, I did whatever I wanted. Now, all of a sudden, there was a portion of my life that was being controlled by someone else, and I didn't like it. If it had been anything else in my life, and, I felt uncomfortable, I would simply leave. I don't stay anywhere I don't want to be. I could be a famous musician, in the middle of a performance, get uncomfortable and feel like leaving, so that's what I'd do. It's just how I am. There are levels, of course.. levels of discomfort that I am willing to tolerate because I've made a committment to someone or something, but I have been known to walk out of a class and never return, and I have walked out on a job never to return either. This happened sometime in my twenties, and is just a part of who I am. I don't look at it as a fault. I look at it as me unwilling to stay in a situation that is causing me grief of some sort. I don't do it where it's wreckless. I don't just run out of the building screaming or anything. I'm able to do it in a way that leaves no negative mark associated with my name. I have a brain, so I use it. There are always loopholes, time frames, and clauses to anything out there. If you look, you'll find them. So you can imagine how I felt to be trapped in a situation and not able to get out. I had never dealt with a situation like this before. When I tried to leave, or did what I wanted rather than what he said, there were always consequences. They were scary consequences. My truck wouldn't start.. something significant would be missing.. One time, my water was turned off, but he turned it back on because he said he knew I'd know it was him. Yes, I would have. I always know when it's him. I woke up one time, startled, because I had felt a presence in my room. I whipped around and looked at the chair by my desk, but it was empty. I could have sworn that someone had been watching me as I slept. Then the doorbell rang. I didn't answer it, but I later found out it was him. He had gotten into the house. He admitted it because I hadn't answered my phone all weekend. I was attempting to break free again, so I didn't answer his calls. Well, he sure showed me. At 2 am, he not only came through the locked side door, but he charged through my bedroom door as well and said, "We really need to do something about that lock, baby." I just sat still and didn't say anything for a minute, because I had to process this. Was this giant motherfucker really standing in my fucking room? That's when I knew that I was in trouble. His crazy went above and beyond mine. Way beyond. Yes, I do what I want, but I don't trample all over someone else's personal space or their rights to do it. I'm not stupid. There are consequences in life for everything. Even a thought sometimes has consequences. For me, I evaluate the consequences and don't give a shit about some. So I do what I want anyway, but I accept whatever consequences come about as a result of my actions. I don't care about them, but I don't dodge them. He doesn't care about them, but he also dodges them. Am I smart for poking the sleeping bear? Maybe not. But I'm prepared to accept the consequences because I wasn't going to stay quiet this time. Everyone I know has been alerted and is aware of my current situation. Plus, there's the fact, that the one who holds his leash won't stand for his coming around. Regardless of the reason, she'll think it's because he wants me and can't stay away. Before I started writing, that's exactly the reason he was taking every opportunity he could to see me on "accident".. Right down to driving down my street. He can't risk any of that right now with all eyes in his home on him. So it's the perfect time for me to do something like this. I'll deal with later when later comes. I'm someone who thinks ahead, and I think things through. He's impulsive and thinks nothing through. In that way, I have the upper hand. So, for now, until I think the rest through, I'm fine. As long as everyone knows, I'm safe. When he keeps you quiet, and you don't say anything, his tactics are more effective and successful, but when everyone knows he's coming or where to look to blame who's responsible, he becomes less a threat. He's the type who will call agencies, too, but I'm prepared to file charges against him for false allegations if he's stupid enough to go that route with me. This is all anonymous, and I've used no names, so I haven't tarnished his name in any way that he might suffer through a job (if he had one), at any of the schools his children might attend, or any groups that he might be a member of. The only ones who know exactly who I'm writing about are him and me. Those who know who I am, because they clicked the link where I left it, only know who I am. They don't know who I'm referring to as the Beast. His wife isn't online (I don't think she even knows how to use a computer), so she wouldn't happen upon this on her own. It occured to me, after I started writing the entries, that one of his children (all of whom are 18 and over, except, perhaps, the last one.. that one might be 17 about to turn 18) might find this if they're snooping through things I've posted online that are open to the general public. If that's the case, it will probably be shown to the wife, but she'll act like she hasn't seen it because she'll want to appear victorious in this matter. It's a curious thing, because I never viewed it as it competition, but, if I had, I would be the winner, because, in this particular instance, the winner is the one who gets away.


I'm not sure if I'm finished, but I'm tired of sitting where I'm sitting, and I want to move around. If I have anything more to say about this, there will be a follow-up. Enjoy the night.




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