Ruinsofbeauty

Sleepless Dreams
2018-01-01 02:31:34 (UTC)

One Year Ago, Today; The Beginning of the End with the Beast

Although I didn't know it at the time, a year ago, today, I saw the beast for what would be our last act of physical intimacy. It was because of me that we saw each other, and, while the event itself was pretty damn good, I regretted it immediately afterward. I voiced this, but, still, as he left, he said "I love you," to which I replied with silence. He didn't seem to comprehend that the relationship part of us was over. I was never again going to be his girlfriend, nor was I going to allow him to treat me the way I had been treated by such a barbaric caveman. He was living in such a state of denial that he thought nothing of the fact that, excluding that day, he had spent the better part of the last six months trying, unsuccessfully, to get me back as his girlfriend. Six months prior, he had sat where I am sitting now and made the plea of his life. I had, reluctantly, agreed to let him come over to talk about "us." As usual, even though the visit was completely initiated by him, when he arrived (hours early even though we had a set time to meet.. boundaries were ignored, and I wasn't tolerating it.. He had a choice.. he could wait in the living room for me to finish getting ready or go home), he asked what I wanted to talk about. Did his brain collapse from the heat while he waited in the living room for me to finish dressing? I told him, "Me? I don't want to talk about shit. You asked to see me. What's up? What do you want?" He stated that, ever since a mutual friend of ours had passed away in my garage (that's another story for another day's entry), he realized just how much he loved me. This is how big of an asshole he is. He realized it? Was there some confusion before? See? Looking back, it's clear that, even up until last year, he didn't know what he was going to do. What I don't get is why he was even thinking in those terms. I never said that I wanted us to be exclusive. I would remain loyal to him, so long as we were in an active, ongoing, relationship. Otherwise, I would not have an obligation to do so, should we continue to only meet on a somewhat monthly basis without regular communication daily. This was what I was offering, and I was not wavering. He couldn't have it all. That wasn't fair to me. Because I wouldn't budge, this is what he chose to spend his time arguing with me about for the next six months, but it didn't matter. I would not budge. I never asked him to leave his marriage. I never even brought his wife up. I didn't care about her. I'd seen her. She didn't pose any threat. This wasn't even about their relationship. He could nurture that relationship all he wanted. In three years time, I never once gave him an ultimatum stating it was his wife or me or else. I never did any of these things because I never cared about his wife. I knew he'd lied about the status of his relationship, but, as things came out, after he got caught (and I met her) I now believe that she, indeed, had been telling him that she was going to leave once the last child graduated from high school. So? Big deal. She's a liar. What a surprise. That has nothing to do with me, and it doesn't give him the right to treat me the way he did. She's still ugly, he's still fat, they're both still pathetic, and they would be afraid to start over alone, even if they COULD afford it financially. I'm still right about his not being able to treat me the way he did. This baffoon didn't seem to realize that while he had spent all of that time staying home in his stupid garage, alone, while staying within the perimeters of his play pen , time hadn't stood still for me. I got busy working on myself and went from that pathetic, lost, little girl who had lost her entire emotional support system when she lost her family and split with her ex, to the bitch I was before any of the deaths happened, and she wasn't taking anymore of his shit. He wasn't coming to see me as often as before, offered no explanation, and still hadn't bothered to tell me that he had agreed to work on the marriage because that's what the children wanted. Even when I would say that, flat out, he would deny it. I never even brought up their marriage because I didn't care about it, but he still should have told me why he wasn't able to see me as often anymore.. Why he couldn't text me.. Why we were only communicating via email and a few texts here and there. I'm not an idiot. I knew why he wasn't coming around as much anymore, but he continually lied about attempting to reconcile with his wife. So I continued to give him the cold shoulder, and he continued to seek me out. The only reason that he stopped stalking me was because he couldn't get away like he used to stalk me, but this arrogant asshole thought he had me wrapped around his finger. He was shocked to find out that I was no longer staying home like he said, and I made decisions without considering how he would feel. To this day, he has refused to admit that he agreed to work on the marriage. I guess it wasn't as important to him as it was to those he lied to about giving me up. As for me, I knew I was being lied to, which is why I had taken the necessary steps it took to break free of the hold he had on me before. I wasn't going back to this liar who abuses women and treats them like shit, and he wasn't going to push me around anymore. We were in the middle of arguing via email, because I wouldn't do what he wanted, when, all of a sudden, I was overwhelmed with the desire to be physical with him. Up to that point, he had come and seen me every month, and still asked me to return to him, but I really didn't let him touch me. He just looked and touched a little, but we hadn't had a "complete" act of intimacy, in any form, for months. We enjoyed each other, and were good together because of the chemistry, but the relationship had never been just about sex. It was a mentally unhealthy type of union (probably the only type he's capable of having) that made it difficult for us to break free from one another, but I was making an effort to do just that and had remained distantly cool and aloof for months. On this day, a year ago, I felt like being with him physically, so, during our session of arguing via email, about the same shit we had probably argued about the day before, I made a suggestive remark and his response suggested he was game. I responded by sending a somewhat risque photo of me in my bed. I remember he was eating somewhere, and actually asked if it was ok to come and see me. I said yes, and he said he'd be here in 20 minutes. 13 minutes later, my doorbell rang. We sat in my living room for a few minutes and exchanged pleasantries, then we both headed straight for my bedroom. It was good. Ok, it was really good.. but I immediately felt like I had just undone what it had taken me months to achieve. I had made a mistake. He would never just do the physical part without thinking that I was again his property. I said aloud, "What have we done?" On his way out, he said "I love you," but I didn't respond. He was halfway down the stairs when he turned around and came back up. He said it again, and, again, I said nothing. He made a big fuss and wouldn't leave until I said it. That night, we did what we were supposed to do with our families, but, by the next day he was already acting stupid, and I didn't have to tolerate it. I'd done what I felt like doing, but that didn't mean that I had to take his shit. After all, it's not like I took advantage of him. He got his, and, from the sound of it, he got it good, but I was done. I decided not to contact him again. A month went by, and I was feeling good. I was on my way home from a daytime party when I got a call. I pulled over because I was on the road, and it was him. <sigh> He said he wanted to see me. I told him I wasn't even home. He said he really wanted to talk to me and would be coming by with some chicken he said he cooked for me. Even that was a lie. He brought chicken, but I found out from his wife, a few days later, that he didn't even cook it. lol Yes, that's how my beast ending started.. Because he showed up (like clockwork) one month later, after being with me on this day. After realizing that I'd made a mistake, because he was never going to be able to handle just the physical part of the relationship (and still hadn't admitted that he had agreed to work on the marriage), I opted out and cut ties. He came, stayed most of the night, promised me everything under the sun and moon, and I did what I typically do during these performances. I touched up my make-up and wondered why on Earth we even have people with antisocial personality disorders (the psychopaths and sociopaths of the world who are nothing but selfish, toxic, leeches). All they do is take from others, cause grief for anyone they encounter, and, for those of us who have a bond of some sort with them, they cause endless frustration, anger, and even heartache. And they won't let go of someone they have claimed as theirs. Breaking ties was going to be difficult, but I didn't care. I was staying out of this and not returning. He stayed in contact with me that whole weekend.. arguing, because I wouldn't budge.. and then Witchiepoo (he and I used to call his wife Witchiepoo from H.R PufnStuf because that's who I thought she looked like) shows up on my doorstep that first or second weekday after he showed up.. Somehow, she and the daughter had found about his coming to see me. All of this, would later result in the birth of my Beast Letters. I'd had enough of keeping silent, when he was lying out of his ass, and driving around here like he was hot shit. I hadn't ratted him out, even after he threatened me. I was cordial to his wife, and even invited her in (as well as her daughter.. I have the same look you probably have while reading that. Who in the fuck brings their daughter along while they go confront a suspected mistress of their husband's? I'll admit that I know a few people without any damn sense, but I can't think of a single person I know who would do something that atrocious). I even answered some of her questions, revealing nothing more than an existing friendship between the husband and myself. I didn't have to answer anything at all. I wasn't married to her. I didn't break any vows. HE was, and HE did. I didn't owe her any explanations about anything I did, but I was trying to handle this delicately because, unlike the beast, I actually consider the feelings of others. I thought about how horribly I had been treated in just three years. Then I looked at her tired and weary face, and thought about what it must have been like to be victim number one. The defeat showed in her face and body. She looked like there wasn't a nap in the world that could hide what she had been through. I knew her tales must be so much worse than mine. Once she'd made this public, I started hearing all sorts of things, and I know him well enough to know what I can believe. I know his tactics like the back of my hand, because he's a fucking cliche. He hadn't provided her with much, he was a manipulative liar, AND he was a cheater, too? Then I thought about my own ex, the father of my children. He had gone to medical school, and we split up, but he made me some promises regarding the financial care of my children and of me. These promises were during the relationship, and I had done my part, but he was leaving the relationship before I had a chance to reap the benefits of his part. I did what I was supposed to do, and my children's and my future were in his hands. Even though we had split, he has still honored those committments and intends to continue to honor them until I leave this Earth. From an ex, I was getting more than this woman had gotten over the course of 30 years.. and I had felt sorry for her. But no more. I'd attempted to handle this in a way that was mature. I made no scenes ever in this neighborhood. I think that type of behavior is classless. She aired this business, but I wouldn't do what I wanted to do and confront the offenders in front of their home like some ghetto hoodrat. Besides, then I'd seem like a jealous mistress, and that's not an accurate image. I'm someone who isn't prepared to take anymore shit off of someone who took advantage of me while I was in an extremely fragile and vulnerable state. Once I tried to get out, I found that I was met with threats to keep me in the relationship. He had already gotten away with the lie. There was no need to go any further. I was going to let it all go, but that wasn't enough. He had to take it a step further and gloat, and lie, and flat out make up things about me, while he claimed innocence. Not only that, but the woman who came down here, completely aware of her husband's shady nature, was now acting like I was the fucking bad guy. She wouldn't even look in my direction anymore, even though we had parted, earlier in the year, on civil terms. These two thought that they were going to blame everything on me.. I didn't really give a shit about her. I just no longer felt sorry for her. I think she deserves what she gets if she agrees to stay. He, on the other hand, didn't have to go the route he was going. Not squaring things with me before we never spoke again was bad enough, but I was going to let it go.. Not squaring things with me before we parted, treating me like I didn't even count, by not even saying "fuck off" before completely cutting me off was even worse.. Yet I still intended to remain silent and just wait for it to blow over.. But to do all of that, and take it one step further by completely throwing me under the bus? Lying and making things up about me in order to claim innocence and look good while I look like some shameless vixxen? Not happening.. This part is for you, beast, because I know your eyes will be reading in anger.. Then you tried to reassure the wife that she measures up in comparison, and even suggested that she surpasses me, by lying and saying that you didn't find me attractive??? (Let's not go overboard, here, ok, you fuck? That's why you always get caught in your lies. You tell lies that are outrageous. A good liar tells lies that are believable. They aren't impossibilities. Did she even buy that shit, you idiot?) Then you tried to make fun of me to her while I drove by one time. It was a riot. I was enjoying watching your pathetic attempts at acting like a loyal husband to a woman who was only staying with you because she was afraid to start over alone. Even though I no longer respect her, you probably owed her that for making her life hell for 30 years.. but you don't get to use me to do it. I didn't give you permission. I knew these would be found by you, eventually, and it's something I still believe was the only thing I could do in order to rid myself of the disgust I felt for even engaging in a 3 year long nightmare that started out like a fairytale. You fucked this up, not me. I handled what was thrown my way, without any of your aid, and, when I saw you folding and collapsing under the pressure, I let the lies go on until you just went too far. You are 100% responsible for being stuck in the position that you're in now, and it's completely deserved. I feel zero sympathy for you. I think you're an ungrateful cock who likes to play, but not pay. Well, you're paying now, aren't you? You were paying without my even having to do anything, because you're an idiot. I started this diary AFTER you had made the decision to move, but you're not getting away without knowing exactly what I think about your punk ass. And I know you'll read it, too. In three years, you've never let me down. You've always been the most faithful, the most loyal, and the most dedicated reader of anything I post anywhere. You're my number one fan. You read everything I ever put out there, because you can't stand not to. I'll bet you're dying inside, having been on, basically, house arrest all of the this time. You don't even work that side thing anymore, do you? Lucky you.. home all those hours to hear the constant bitching from your wife about how you fucked everything up. I've never been interested in to whom you pay the price. My only interest has been that you pay the debt.. and I'm expensive.


I don't do New Year's Resolutions because I do things when I'm ready.. Just like leaving the beast, I couldn't leave till I was ready emotionally, because I had aready experienced so much pain and loss from losing family members. I was in so much pain after losing my grandfather, I had become numb, and the beast provided me with an interest. I felt something for him because he was there when I had nothing. And, I won't lie, in the beginning, everything was perfect. He did everything right, but it was all an act. I think he tried to act like a nice guy, because he knew I wasn't like anyone he'd ever been with. And, I had very little will to even live, so when I began to feel something, I thought he was the answer, and I began to need him. As soon as he knew I needed him, he became a monster. So I was stuck for a while. I needed the monster. You can hate the drug, but you still need it. I had to kick my habit first. Fortunately, he was so terrible and easy to despise, it didn't take long to become completely disgusted with his entire existence. This day held significance because it was the beginning of the real ending between us. He was present for some of this year, and attempted to see me one night, some time after the confrontation happened, but it was too late. He was waiting outside of a store for me, but I ignored him. I don't acknowledge people who don't have the decency to end a 3 year relationship with not so much as a word. He could have said something. He made sure to call and ask me what was said between the wife and me. He made sure to call and threaten me when she lied to him and told him that I had admitted things to her. But he didn't call to close things with me. He just blocked me and ignored me from one day to the next, never even thinking once about how I might feel without having answers to what had just happened. So, now, I don't care what the fuck happens to him. I've been pleased with what I've seen so far, though, because he can't do shit. If he wants to maintain a relationship with his kids, he has to stay away from me. That means no revenge, but if anything happens again like with that ticket I got for having my own car parked in front of my own driveway (you idiot, like we wouldn't know it was you. Only the owners call for something like that, you brainless, sack of shit, and I know no other neighbors called because I was making an extra space for them. You got your freebie. Now you'd better stay away, or the first one I'm blaming is you. I will never feel anything other than complete and utter contempt for you. You have made it so that I no longer can even hold any memories of you without have to hold back the vomit rising in my throat. Everything has been tainted with your wickedness. You're a failure of a human being who I'm glad to be rid of. I'm starting out my New Year clean. I got to rid myself of a fucking pain in the ass, and I'm going to stay rid of him in 2018, because, as of midnight, he no longer exists. To everyone else out there, have a safe and Happy New Year! Cheers!! xoxo




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