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2017-12-30 13:35:40 (UTC)

Japaneasy - Collating, PT3.

Today is April the 8th, 22:22 (this gave me a smile - "I always catch the clock at 11:11").

Lately I'm trying to mentally work out what the fuck I'm doing with my life. I've been thinking about the past, which I know is pointless and a waste of time, but that's what the last few days have consisted of. I've wondered if I've made a mistake coming to Japan, or if I should have continued within Lincolnshire.

I guess it's the nostalgia that's keeping my thoughts from advancing. I ask myself what I'll do after Japan, where will I go? What will I do? How will I make an income? Where will I live?

But I also put myself in a bit of a downer when thinking about the choices I've made. Should I have left Lincolnshire, my job, family and friends? Should I have come to Japan? Do I want to live here?

So my work life wasn't great. I wasn't happy with my job and really thinking about it, I stopped caring and even doing a good job. I wasn't good towards my team (in terms of progression) but I respected them as people and friends and they respected me as their boss. I hated walking home from work, I'd always actively listen to depressing music during the hour walk home. I hated not having any free time to myself, but then when I had free time I didn't do anything with it, I'd sleep too much, sedate myself and waste my day away.

What I do miss however, was talking to anyone at work, I loved every single person I worked with, they were amazing individuals. I miss RL at lunch with CY and PA. Convincing everyone to buy a game and then play it once and never again. I miss the walks home with AY and PA, like, a lot.

During my time at work I always wished for a day off, I couldn't wait to catch up on some sleep, play some games and get blazed. I'd smoke a shit load, maybe get a game or two in before turning to Twitch or Netflix and passing out in a haze. I'd then wake up not really feeling refreshed, or like I even had a day off, and then hate everything because I felt like I needed a day off again.

I forgot to even mention my kittens. I fucking miss them.

This was my never ending cycle before coming to Japan. Honestly, what do I think of this?

Sure, I'd go out every now and then for a few drinks with people, shit, I even started going round to OW's place and socialising a bit more, inviting DM and PA round mine. But I didn't really socialise outside of work, which at the time was getting me down.

But really thinking about this shit - surely that's all the socialising I need?! I'd interact with people for 10 hours basically 6 days a week. Sure, it was forced due to being a work, but shit man.

Feeling lonely on my days off? Shit, I was doing something about that, plus I liked my free time with my kittens.

It's easy to think like this though, and believe that I made the wrong decision when right now in my life I'm poor. Poor like I've never been before.

Japan currently, I wake up just after sunset, eat breakfast get showered and leave for the train. I arrive in Asakusa and make my way towards work. I leave work around 15:20 and leave for the train. I arrive in Kanamachi and make my way towards home. I cook some pasta, throwing in a few basic ingredients. I eat said pasta, watch some shit and sleep.

I pretty much have the same life I was living in England, but with less things to comfort me. Next month I need to do something about this, or I worry that I'll start regretting everything. I should look at buying a bike and doing more. But is that really the answer? I mean. I could cycle to work every day and then after work cycle somewhere? But that won't really allow me to go anywhere because it'll be dark by the time I actually get anywhere.

Shit, is jumping on a push bike and biking about even a good idea? Like, really?

I've been telling myself for the past 2 months that once I get money shit will get better and I'll do more and go see shit, but is that something I really want to do? Cycle for 4 hours to see a statue, to then cycle 4 hours back on my own? Shit. I dunno.

I guess people kinda say that I need to do stuff, that I need to find a purpose. They tell me how to live, and I guess project what is missing from their lives onto me. Suggesting that it's missing from my life.

But what is it that I want from my life?

Well, for a start I'd love a cheap little place I can call my home. I'm talking - my own bathroom and a living room with an open planned kitchen. That's it.