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2017-12-30 13:24:05 (UTC)

Japaneasy - Collating, PT2.

Sink or Swim. Decision cast, do I bite?

So one of the things I had considered when coming to Japan was that back in the UK, I was in a bit of a hole, so to speak. I'd work pretty much every day, long hours and not have much of a social life. I'd smoke at home and buy food on the walk home from work. So during my free time, I'd chill at home with my kittens and smoke. Pretty easy life, it was chill.

So with me packing up and leaving everything behind (except a 20L backpack filled with my entire life) I figured Japan would make me more social, get me out of my 'comfort zone', or 'bubble', if you will.

I couldn't sleep this morning, and when this happens to me, my mind wanders and thinks about random things before either a conclusion or epiphany is reached. This morning it was an epiphany. I realised that Japan won't do that to me, shit, travelling anywhere in the world won't change who I am - to a certain extent. It's me that has to change.

Now, the main problem with this is that maybe I don't want to change? You know? I've given this some thought and honestly, I am who I am, I worked nights for 12 years, I just don't like people. This is something I've slowly come to realise more whilst being in Japan - now don't get me wrong, no one has really done anything to solidify this into my brain, it's more just me being around people that's proven time and time again that I really don't give two shits about anyone.

I understand this is a very selfish mentality and honestly, if someone back home got in touch and said something terrible had happened, I'd be concerned and depending on the severity, I'd get a flight back - I'm not a savage.

But for example, I'm sitting in a bar having a conversation with say 5 random people, a few Japanese, a French dude and a young attractive woman. Maybe one of the Japanese mention that they own their own business, sure, I'll bite. Maybe we talk about this for a minute and then suddenly, I'm out. I've stopped caring.

I don't have a lot of things that I give a shit about, or can talk about in length unfortunately. But that's just who I am, I don't know much about anything really, except a few things that I'm actually passionate about, that I can happily talk about for hours.

The problem here is that apparently the things I enjoy in life, aren't that well received by that many people.

Unfortunately I'm an overthinking human, so the thought "shit, have I made the right decision" often crops up in my overworked brain. Normally when this comes up, I question it for a little, compare what I have, what I no longer have and if I miss anything since coming out here. Normally it's the same conclusion - even if I don't have all the pieces to make the correct outcome yet;

There are things I miss, and being here is 'probably' better. It's a weird one, and not really one that makes sense, but maybe it'll shed some light on the above subject. So, I'll state first, that I miss the obvious - family, friends, money.

I didn't see my family much when I was in the UK, even though they were right near me, but that's because of my antisocial smoking nature. Friends, didn't really see much of them either, same reasons - although at work, I considered most people there my friends and I saw them pretty much 6 days a week for 4 years, so my need to socialise with friends was always pretty topped up. Money, my job was easy for 30k a year, never having a money problem is fantastic.

So now that the obvious is out the way, the not so obvious and kinda sad/depressing things that I miss are actually just that. I miss having a surplus of weed whenever I needed it. I miss getting stoned on my own and playing with my two kittens, eventually laying on my bed and falling asleep fully clothed. I miss being fucked up and needing anti-depressants - not to help with depression, just to numb me from myself and the world. I miss being a bit of a fuck up outside of work, in all honesty.

So, now that I'm here for a year, I have to admit that the lack of drugs isn't fun. I don't really want to return to the UK, but we'll get into that next. I do however, look forward to making a stop back home and being able to smoke again. Of course, seeing family and friends is the unspoken.

So one thing I said before leaving the UK was that I hope I never return, and I kind of meant that, like a lot. It's a weird one to define, but I think a random Japanese girl summed it up pretty well;

"So you're running away from something?"

Maybe not one hundred percent accurate, but it's definitely up there. I never really considered that I was, or have been running from something until she said it. I had to stop for a few seconds and really process the question. I responded with no, of course.

Now, after really analysing my life, the people in it, what I've been doing for the past few years and how it felt to return to the UK for a few weeks. You know what? I think she's right.

Being back in the UK, especially Lincolnshire was kind of a horrible experience, with a few silver linings. The main thing that fucked my head up the most was returning to the place where I was once engaged, where I once had a shitload of close friends that I'd go out with every night, that I'd constantly be ringing and texting and organising shit with. But returning, I no longer had either of these things.

I also no longer had my own space, a place for just me with no interruptions. I no longer had a surplus of weed and suddenly, the realisation of my life, what I had lost and what I had become whilst working had settled in. I also had to spend some time in London, where the person I was engaged to now lives, apparently. So that was also on my mind, which is one thing I guess I had put off thinking about in detail for a long time. I hadn't really thought about it too much in the UK, because I was always high, in Japan? Nah, too much to do, too much to see. But on returning, with nothing to keep my mind off of shit, being in London, I dunno man, that didn't start my adventure off very well.

So when we really think about everything. I'm not completely satisfied with packing up and moving to Japan just yet. I think my opinion on everything will change once I start working on the 15th. I'll be more active, I'll be waking up early and I'll be living again. Maybe once everything is set in motion, then I can reconsider my choices in life.