Anastasia Romanov

Words Fail In A Crowd Of Thousands
2017-12-21 10:28:00 (UTC)

Dear Kyle

I visited Kyle today from high school. He always assumes that my life is perfect just because I don't tell him anything. Here's a letter I wish I could send him.

Dear Kyle,
Since you seem to think my life is so easy, here are some things going on in my life that I've just never told you about:
1) I'm depressed
2) I have anxiety
3) I pretend to be okay in front of all my friends because I don't want them asking questions. I don't want to burden then with my problems. I don't want them to know all the vulnerable parts of me then forget about me.
4) my mom body shames me every chance she gets. it's led to me having body dysmorphia.
5) my dad turns into a monster when work isn't going well
6) he also turns into a monster when he doesn't have his medication (weed)
7) I think about dying every single day
8) I think about killing myself every single day
9) for some reason I'm too much of a coward to do it. hopefully that changes soon!
10) back in january when I was skipping classes and hanging out in your computer lab instead it was because my depression was really overwhelming
11) it was because I had a really bad fight with my dead where he called me a "shithead" (among other things) and literally shunned me
12) that fight has honestly traumatized me and still remains one of the worst memories
13) two weeks before that we fought again about me going over to a friends house without permission and he shunned me into the new year and didn't talk to me for two weeks and also said some things about me. he acted like I didn't exist
14) this fight has also traumatized me and my friend likes to joke about it because she doesn't understand the depth
15) we can't afford christmas presents this year
16) we can't afford to fix our front door
17) we can't afford to fix our broken showers
18) we can't afford to pay for driving lessons that I apparently need to take so that insurance payments will be less expensive
19) we can't afford to get a new car
20) my grades are terrible this quarter and yes that's my fault but it's hard to devote appropriate time to study when you're kind of depressed
21) I feel like no one actually gives a shit about me because all anyone ever does is push me away or ignore me or tell me how annoying I am
22) pretty sure my college friends think I'm stupid and annoying and parasitic
23) I hate the fact that I'm going into the medical field and I don't have a choice
24) I really need mental help but I can't afford it.
25) I dont want to tell my parents about anything because they won't react well and even if they did they wouldn't be able to afford medication or hospital stays
26) i see absolutely no point in living
27) i have no desire to continue living
28) i don't look forward to anything in life
29) i absolutely deeply hate myself
30) sometimes I cancel plans because I have no energy to go because of my depression
31) when i do go out, i come home and think about how stupid i am for the way i conducted myself

There you go. The full honest truth. But my life is perfect because I don't tell you anything right?

Honestly writing this was so draining.




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