Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-12-19 05:14:53 (UTC)

If I Were To Die. . .Would It Even Matter? Would Anyone Even Notice?

[Note: Yes, this is supposed to be vague as fuck. You're not missing anything. It's just vague coz I don't want the details out there until I get the results. But, I need to vent about it now to help get through it.]
If I don't end up going to the hospital tonight, I'm going to have to go to the urgent care clinic as soon as it opens at 7am tomorrow (well. . .today, now, technically, since it's like. . .5:30 in the morning. . .). Idk if it will last through the night. . .but I'm keeping an eye on things. . .and if anything changes in any way or if they start burning even more. . .I'm going straight to the ER. I'd just really prefer to only have to pay 3 dollars versus anywhere from 5k to 15k added onto my already over 50k in medical debt. I'm trying so hard not to panic because if this is what I think it is, it is going to affect me for the rest of my life and change my whole life and world and future from here on out. Frankly, I'm not ready and I will NEVER be ready for the kind of monumental changes this could bring. I do not want to be right......luckily, I don't know a lot about what I think it is...and I can't do any research online about it, because if I do, I will start manifesting physical symptoms and feelings described by websites in correlation to this issue. That's how strong my mind is. If I believe I have something or if I am thinking that it's highly likely this thing could be it, I will read about it and symptoms that I didn't have before, ranging anywhere from as mild as a cough to as severe as hives, will manifest simply because my mind is convinced I have this thing and suddenly, I will have all the symptoms without actually having some of them. That's why I can never do research on things I'm suffering from or suspect I'm suffering from online. That's why I have to stay the fuck away from psychology and all that pseudo-science bullshit because I know what disorders I have and which I don't...and if I were to research the ones that I have, I will end up suddenly suffering from the symptoms that I don't have and never had and wasn't expected to ever have related to that disorder (minus BPD, because I'm such a textbook case of severe BPD that there isn't a single symptom that I don't have, even if they contradict each other. Yeah, it's complicated, but it's painfully true).

I'm ready to fucking off myself. I'm panicking. I'm ready to just die. . .if this is what I think it is, it will change my life so monumentally that I won't be able to go on.

But I'm utilizing what Grey's Anatomy has taught me..... And I'm giving myself until [x] time to panic. I am not allowing myself to panic or have a breakdown until I hear speculations from the doctor. And I'm not allowed to seriously consider suicide and weigh the pros and cons of my death [there'd only be one con I could think of. . .leaving my dog behind/psychologically traumatizing my dog] until I have gotten a verdict and my tests come back. Idk what kinda tests they're gonna do, but I'm positive they will do blood tests. So that could..take a bit. But I'm not going to consider or attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the result of my tests. Because if they're positive for whatever I'm thinking... it will change my life in such monumental ways that I will have nothing left. Nothing to strive for. Nothing to work towards. My entire life will be taken from me. So there's just no point in living in complete agony and pain without any means of bettering myself or furthering my education and career advancements. I wouldn't even be able to go into any medical field. Maybe I should just drop out of med school right fucking now. . .

But, no, I'm not allowing myself to attempt and follow through with suicide until I hear the results of my tests (however many they do) and until they tell me the treatment plan. Well......not treatment. Coz there is no "treatment" for what I'm thinking of. However, there are tools for managing it. But it's a lifelong, uphill battle. And I can't do that. I just can't. My life and my body and everything about me is not important enough to me for me to be motivated enough to go through all of that and to be on my A-game for managing this every single waking hour while being constantly aware that I am never going to be a better version of myself and that I will never be a productive member of society and that I will never achieve my dreams and that everything I ever wanted and had will have been stripped from me, opportunities and my future included. I can't. I just can't.

So. . . I'm not going home tomorrow like I planned. Which makes me want to die even more. But I do have to wait until the urgent care clinic opens tomorrow morning and not panic and overreact to paranoia and catastrophic thinking before then. I'm not going home because a) this is extremely urgent and possibly life-threatening, b) my mother is a nurse so she can help me to understand what is going on and a treatment/management plan in more detail than a doctor would and can help me in general with figuring out how to manage/treat it, and c) my medicaid only works in this state. . .I haven't switched my medicaid to the state my home is in now. . .so I'd have to pay a fuckton to go to an urgent care clinic there. And going to an urgent care clinic in the heart of New Orleans is just. . . . . . .no thanks. It's way too crowded and way too long of a wait and too expensive and the staff usually isn't trained to handle the things that come in because they are bombarded with bullshit all day long, not to mention all of NOLA is usually too poor to afford proper equipment for mere urgent cares. I'd have to go to a hospital to get real treatment and a real diagnosis and prognosis and treatment/management plan with doctors who know what they are doing, have experience, and have the proper equipment to do everything they need to do. Only downside to that is a) the fucking money oh my god and b) the wait time can sometimes be as long as 12 hours. Yeah, no, fuck that. I will stay an extra day and keep my 3 dollar co-pay and my half hour to hour max waiting time.

I guess I'm going to drug myself up on pain killers and coke and maybe some smack until I can't feel anything anymore and lose track of my thoughts and time. . .and put on a documentary that will allow me to feed off of other people's misery and pain and, in turn, force myself to acknowledge and appreciate everything I have around me and all the opportunities I've been awarded in my life. Watching documentaries about really graphic, tragic stuff or about people who are locked up for a long time or life or whatever just makes me actively think about how good I have it and makes me appreciate everything I am able to do. And helps by allowing me to level up my happiness by feeding off of other people's misery. Idk why I get off, mentally, from strangers misery. And knowing I have more freedom, opportunities, and greater non-material things in general than they will EVER have and could ever hope to have just makes me feel so much better for some reason.

So yeah. . .I’m gonna go drug myself up on pain killers that are stronger than the ones I take on the daily and a bump more of coke than I normally do after snorting some long lines. I haven’t had coke in a long time, though, so I’m not gonna overdo it there. Pain killers? I’m back to popping 10-15 pain killers every 24 hours. Maybe more, I don’t really count anymore. I just take 2-3 more every time I feel like my high is fading. So I can overdo it with the pain killers as much as I want. I’m basically invincible when it comes to prescription drugs. Benzos, pain killers, muscle relaxers. . .I can honestly do as many of those as I want and not die. I can’t even tell you guys how many times I have done WAY over what “should” have killed me. Like, way over the lethal limit. I have such a high tolerance that I guess it makes me immune to that “limit”. I guess that limit is for people who aren’t addicts. Not that I’m an addict. It’s not a problem, anymore, like it used to be. I can quit anytime since I have gone through completely quitting successfully once before now. The reason I couldn’t quit whenever I wanted to before is because I had never done it successfully before, so I never knew all the steps it took to get there and what it was going to feel like during the process. Now that I know. . .I can literally just put the pills down whenever I feel like stopping or whenever I have to for whatever reason and I won’t even bother looking back. Just how I did with cigarettes years ago. Spent majority of my teenage years smoking a pack of camel crush every other day (a full pack split between two days basically) and then my young adult years. . .the same thing, as well as socially on top of that. And then I found out about beagle testing and I literally threw out my whole pack and never looked back. Never felt any withdrawals. Never felt any cravings. In fact, cigarettes. . .nicotine/tobacco. . .it fucking disgusted me from then on out because all I could see when I saw cigarettes or someone smoking was a superimposed image of someone “testing” cigarettes on beagles until they died, discarding their carcasses, and then moving on to the next one. I’m sure something like that will happen with drugs and I will actually WANT to get clean for good or just use recreationally weekly or monthly instead of recreationally daily. I’m not using them for anything other than recreation, so that’s another reason why it’s not a problem this time and why I can easily get off of them whenever the hell I want/need. I just certainly do not want to. And yeah, in this very instance right now, I’m using them as a coping mechanism. But it’s no different than someone having a panic attack and taking a k-pin. Or someone having an asthma attack and using their inhaler. Literally no different. There is something that is threatening my physical and mental health right now to the point of forcing me to kill myself/die in general (in these analogies: the panic attack and the asthma attack). . .I need something to help me get through it/make it stop (in these analogies: a PRN anti-anxiety medication and a PRN inhaler). . .and I’m going to use it to do exactly that (finally: using strong pk’s and coke to help me not die or hurt myself). So. . .no, it’s not a problem and anyone thinking I’m going back to who I used to be just because I’m doing drugs again and going harder than I did while I was attempting to get clean is a fucking idiot. I’m not going to be that boy again. I promise.

And I’m not depressed. I’m not depressed in any way. Being suicidal does not always equal depression. Just like being depressed does not always equal being suicidal. You can be suicidal without being depressed. You can be depressed without being suicidal. (Just like you can experience panic attacks without having any kind of anxiety, aka Panic Disorder, which is what I have.) I don’t experience depression anymore. I’m not depressed in the slightest. Even when I’m suicidal. . .wanting to kill myself. . .and come to conclusion that I am most likely going to attempt. . I’m still not depressed. If I come to the conclusion that I AM going to attempt and I AM going to follow through. . .I may be depressed then due to the news of my results and my entire life and future being snatched away from me in and instant right before my eyes, but it certainly does not influence my decision to commit suicide or to stay alive. That decision will be based purely on logic and the results of my test and consensus of the doctors. So don’t go thinking I’m turning into the boy I used to be. I don’t suffer from depression or anxiety or addiction of any sort.

I’m still gonna be the jovial, sarcastic, nihilist jokester that everyone has come to know and love up until the very end. I can promise you that.




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