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2017-12-14 11:55:53 (UTC)

We live our lives like we're ready to die.

Christmas is coming and I'm unable to participate. I hate this feeling of not being able to support, or take care of people. I hate being handicapped by money. It overwhelms me and chokes me like razor wire. I wish things were different, I wish I never gave it all up.

I think about how I must have been feeling before I changed everything. To give up such a perfect career, the income, the house, everything. Sure, I had some experience travelling, I got to soak myself in the culture of others, but at what cost?

I could have been everything you wanted. I could have been there for you. I'd of supported you, looked after you and made sure that you never had to stress about anything. I'd of brought you out of your destructive path. I'd of offered you my heart, my world, my everything.

The offering stays the same, but I cannot support you. I cannot take care of you and I certainly cannot take you away from the evil that surrounds us. I know things will get better and things will improve, but at what cost?

You've already explained that you don't feel connected to me in that way. Is this a mistake? Are we just doing this for the sake of it? Do you really want me around? I'm not sure anymore. I'd like to think I'm more than that. I'd hope that deep inside you do care, you are connected and you do want me.

I guess I'm just destined for failure.

I thought I'd cut you loose, severed the feeling. I slipped through the cracks and you caved in my ceiling.