Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-12-12 03:43:48 (UTC)

This Is A Messed Up Entry And I'm Sorry Lol


NOTE: This entry is probably not gonna make a lot of sense because I was zoning out and hallucinating through the entirety of it. So I may have accidentally, like. . .finished a sentence in the middle with the end of a completely different sentence with a completely different topic. Horrible grammar. Horrible punctuation. Using a word incorrectly and meaning another word you know and use every single day. Horrible misspelling. Random af words thrown in in the middle of sentences.
I don't even know. I can't proof-read until the hallucinations and nodding stop. Which won't happen until I sleep for about 6 hours. Which, I'm assuming, will not happen for another AT LEAST 2-3 days, if not more. SORRY IN ADVANCE. THIS IS NOT NORMALLY HOW MY ENTRIES GO. This may not even make sense at ALL. Jesus fucking christ. . .. . . .I'mma post it now anyways, though.

I don't know wtf to do, tbh.

Like I said in my SUPER LONG rant last entry, I feel sort of. . .complacent here now. I feel like. . .stagnancy is rather peaceful. The quiet of monotony is a nice change of pace for a boy who has lived the past 7 years of his life in complete chaos. Routine is welcome. Idk how LONG it will be welcome, but I don't foresee it changing any time soon.

I'm kind of wondering if I should just stay here through Christmas. Make an excuse to my roommates that I want to stay here for the holidays. Or make something up about a family issue. Which, that wouldn't be a total lie. My grandma's doctor keeps calling my mom and she keeps missing the call. And she can't get ahold of my grandparents. My grandma has severe Alzheimer's and breast cancer. She is pretty much on the verge of death and one of their 3 caretakers just quit because my grandparents need to be in a fucking home but my stubborn, typical, fragile masculinity style, old-fashioned grandpa feels like he can't leave his house and that it is up to him to take care of his wife. So instead of allowing his 8 kids to put them both in a home together. . .he is just causing the entire family ridiculous amounts of stress by making their kid who lives near them and her husband take care of them and basically just running them ragged. Meanwhile, another three of them, my mom included, is paying for all the expenses they can handle. Ironically enough, the one who makes the most money in the family (a white grown fucking man, of course) refuses to pay anything to help his parents. Despite the fact my grandma and grandpa were EXTREMELY good to their kids and gave them everything they could muster and all the love any child ever needs and were basically role models for what parents should strive to be. I mean, they're both horrible, bigoted, outdated people now, but I mean. . .with the era they grew up and with them being white, it's not a fucking wonder. Still doesn't excuse their behaviour. Never will. I'm a white man (I guess at 25, I can call myself a man and not a boy, but it kind of feels weird to do that coz I still feel like a kid), but trust me when I say you will never catch me acting like one. And I definitely use my white privilege for good. I may be chaotic, but I'm chaotic good. Sometimes slipping into lawful evil. But mostly hanging around the chaotic good spectrum. (DnD character alignments, for those who don't get my reference.)

And then there's also the fact that my dad is, uh. . .fucking stupid. I mean, they can't figure out what's wrong with him. He doesn't have dementia or Alzheimer's, which is obvious coz it's not like that at all. He doesn't have a tumor or any kind of mass or lesion. The only possible explanation is schizophrenia, which I mean. . .he has been schizoid for as long as I've known him (which is my whole life lmao). His parents were both schizophrenic and Idk what else beyond that coz my dad refuses to talk about his family to me and I have never met them. But on my mom's side, her sister---my aunt---is schizophrenic. And beyond that, there are several branches of schizo-spectrum disorders on my mom's side. It just keeps splitting and branching out. Schizo-spectrum disorders are genetic. . .which is how I ended up with schizo-affective disorder. Thanks, fam. Fuck. This is why people with severe mental disorders shouldn't fucking BREED.

But anyways. . .So saying there are family issues wouldn't exactly be a lie.

Plus, our cat is in need of extreme care and someone to administer physical therapy after he gets his sutures out. Someone to clean the drain site periodically and someone to put a thin layer of antibiotic ointment over and on the drain site until it closes up. Someone to monitor his food and water intake and watch his behavioural patterns for improvement or decline. Someone to make sure all the stitches stay dry and clean, as well as the drain site. Someone to give him his medicine. Someone RELIABLE to take him to the goddamn vet for follow-ups and to get his sutures out towards the end of the month. And, I mean, my mom works about 5 days a week, 12 hour shifts. She has been a charge nurse since she was like 19 or 20. She's in her 60's now and could have easily been a surgeon if she had taken the opportunity when they asked her to do so. But she didn't. So she's still just an RN. So, I mean, she could easily do all of this. Fact of the matter is. . .she's not home during most of the day. Which is when he needs to be watched the most.

My dad is a fucking moron when it comes to veterinary care because he fancies himself an "animal rights activist" which is how I grew up with anthropomorphic ideals for animals. I didn't discover until I got into vet tech school (and now vet pre-med school) that my dad was actually abusing and neglecting animals by treating them like human beings. He thinks training is cruel so the dogs here do not have consistency in their training and, therefore, run rampant and are constantly panicked because they do not have an alpha and everyone rules them differently. I'm the only one in the house right now who has thorough training for animal behaviour and animal training techniques and I don't even live here. I keep telling them this. . . And they fucking let their two domestic cats, who are well over 10 years old, pretty much live outside during the day. Because, y'know, "They look sad when they're inside!" These are people who never update their vaccines/shots on their pets past puppy/kitten boosters. And you're gonna have outdoor domestic cats? Bitch, I don't think so! This is how their cat ended up in a 1.5k surgery in the first place. And there's just so many other neglectful, horrible things my dad does to them.

For instance, he refused to give our cat his antibiotic pills and pain killers because "Animals shouldn't be drugged. Their animals. They need to be natural." He's one of those kind of people who believes animals should be fed a vegan fucking diet. And, AS A FUCKING VEGAN MYSELF, that is the absolute WORST fucking mindset you can adopt. My dad isn't even vegan. . .he's just vegetarian. He doesn't live a cruelty-free lifestyle like I do. And he CERTAINLY wouldn't if he switched to vegan because he is one of /those/ vegans. One of those "Eat kale and do yoga to cure depression! Feed your pets vegan food only! Pharmaceuticals are for devil worshipers and you should go all natural with herbal remedies put into pill form." Those annoying as fuck kind of punch the sun vegans. Yeah. The people who fucking abuse and neglect their animals and then turn around and accuse you of doing exactly that when you're disciplining or scruffing or restraining or doing anything medical/necessary. Do you know how ridiculously happy dogs are when they can be trained and have consistency in their lives??? Do you know how EVERY SINGLE BREED benefits IMMENSELY from having an alpha in the house??? The type of people my dad categorizes himself under (animal rights activists, ofc. . .stealing the name of REAL animal rights activists) believes that training and crate training and such are cruel and shouldn't be done.

It just fucking blew my mind when I got into tech school and then further into vet pre-med that all my professors took the time to explain to us WHY we had to do all the things we were doing that seem cruel to the untrained eye. So that we could tell our clients that we are not hurting their pets and that we are only trying to help. This and that, blah blah. And it COMPLETELY changed my views. My course on Ethology was. . . eye opening. It changed my views on training and crates. I was so anti-everything before because of being brainwashed by my father. Now. . .I realize how fucking sickening all that was.

And when I found out that their cat didn't get his fucking antibiotics. . .Oh, I fucking flipped. My dad is the ENTIRE REASON this cat is in this position and why it was so bad. If we had listened to my mother and just waited the night, he would have died in his sleep from sepsis. But no. . .I caught it early enough to smell that exact smell and force the issue. And my dad didn't fucking tell me---THE ONE WHO IS IN TRAINING TO BECOME A FUCKING CANINE SURGEON---the whole goddamn day because.......Oh, I can't get into that. I don't wanna get mad right now. I wanna stay sad. Lololol. If I get mad, I will probably break another mirror or door. Whoops. Put another hole in the wall. WHOOPS.

Don't underestimate me because of my size. And don't underestimate me because I don't look like your average "dudebro" and I have effeminate, androgynous features that I like to draw attention to with a VERY slight dusting of make-up and the right clothes and hair styling and such. Since I have huge, bright, icy grey eyes and bright white-blonde hair. . .it's easy to accentuate my more androgynous facial features. But my point is. . .I may be small, I may be effeminate for a boy at the age of 25. . .But I'm fucking fierce and I will rip you to shreds if you mess with anyone dear to me or an animal. GOD FORBID it is my own dog. I will fucking destroy you. . .Oh christ.

So I MEAN. . .going back to the topic at hand. . .I WOULD /NOT/ be lying by telling my roommates that I had family stuff and needed to stay here over the holidays. It would honestly take a LOT of stress off of me. . .Because I'm supposed to fucking pack EVERYTHING today and get my dog prepped for the 14 hour drive back home. . .and fucking leave tomorrow.

Frankly, along with everything else, I'm TERRIFIED to drive right now. This was a really bad time for my ambien to stop fucking working. Even if I take 20mg (2x the legal limit), nothing works. Add benadryl. . .nothing. Add melatonin. . .nothing. I'm at wits end trying to sleep. Like I have mentioned a few other times. . .I have insomnia. REAL insomnia. This is probably my. . .Fifth day straight awake?? I can't even remember anymore. Whenever this happens or when I decide to just. . .opt out of my sleep aid for a week for whatever reason. . .it takes at LEAST 6 days for my body and mind to finally be taxed enough to where I can sleep via blacking out. I don't expect to be able to sleep until some time between the beginning of Friday and the middle of Sunday. It may not happen. . .but I'm expecting.

And I'm scared to drive a 14 hour drive across all those states to get home to NOLA because I'm TERRIFIED I will nod off at the wheel. Which has happened so many times before. I think I mentioned the car accident I got the day I had to wake up early to open a retail store I worked at? I had to get up at like 4am. Totaled my car from falling asleep at the wheel. I have two IDENTICAL scrape marks on the front of my car---each right above the front tires. It's from falling asleep on a one-way road that had guard rails on both sides. Since it was a straight shot for over an hour on this road late at night. . .I ended up falling asleep at the wheel. . .twice.

This is a pattern in me. If I'm tired in any way. . .put me in a car for more than a half hour to an hour and I am just being set up for a wreck. I can't even tell you how many times I have wrecked and in what horrifying ways all due to hallucinations before my schizo-affective disorder was medicated. Nope, nope!

If it were just me and the roads were not so populated (say, if I were to take all back roads instead to avoid cars and people in case I did fall asleep), then I'd do it no problems. But having my son (my dog) in the car with me. . .and all the essential things to my and his existence in my car. . .Well, I can't lose my car. Lmao. Not to mention I don't know anyone I can even hit up to stay with between here and NOLA. In fact, until I actually get into the heart of New Orleans in the mid-city area. . .there actually isn't anyone along the way I could stay with. Which is weird because I have friends all over the goddamn country. Some even in OTHER countries. All of which have offered to take me in in a bind. Which has happened before. And on a moment's notice, three of my best friends were in a group chat figuring out and planning on how I could get to all three of them on the way to NOLA because I had just been kicked out of my ex-girlfriends house and I had my dog and no money and not even close to all of my stuff. Because my ex was a fucking cruel, cold-hearted bitch who did unreal things to me. But, y'know, abuse doesn't happen for men, SO. Hahahaaaaa. . . Yeah, whatever. But. . .my friends sprang into action, didn't event text me until they were done and had a game-plan. . .And they did so very quickly and one of them called me and we talked for a while and eventually. . .I ended up staying with all three of them. That's the kind of friendships I have. All over the country. In almost every state. There are very few states I don't know at LEAST one person in. But, I never mess with the deep south. Nah, fuck that. With my looks and stature? With my being biromantic? Nah, fam. Fuck that. But I do have to travel through several deep south states to get to NOLA. Which sucks. And if I were to break down in any of those states, I would fear for my life. Even with my dog with me who could protect me.

Which, I have broken down in a horribly obvious deep, DEEP south area. Small af area, literal white methheads roaming the street, hookers on corners, Trump signs everywhere, a drunk lady swimming in the pool of the motel I was staying at, and some lady strung out on....SOMETHING.....in the room below me that kept eyeing my car for literal hours at a time.

I am not ashamed to say I curled up in a corner and fucking sobbed. . .I was almost 100 percent certain that I was going to end up dead by morning. Murdered to death by some old white person strung out on meth or something. I was fucking terrified. I mean, I'm white. I have white privilege. But that doesn't stop the bigots from attacking people like me who are a little different on the outside and who holds himself differently, you know? "Like, damn, I'm sorry I'm more intelligent than all of you? You can all kindly fuck off." I left that place as soon as the sun came up. . .not getting a wink of sleep and making the remaining 4 hours fucking unbearable.

Just laying on my couch in my room typing this makes me feel unbearably scary things. Thank god I got away from the meth heads alive. Not saying I've never done meth before. . .I made the mistake of trying crystal for my first time. It made me so goddamn sick, I have never wanted to get near meth ever again. I don't think I have ever been so sick in my life. And it lasted....all night...and all day the next day...and some bits into the next night. I was so dehydrated from throwing up that I almost had to go to the hospital. From tiny tiny tiny bits of crystal inhaled. Nope. Never again.

Uhhh...Where was i???

Oh right. Idk whether I"m gonna stay here or not. My plan, as far as my roommates/fremily knows, is that I am packing my things and then packing the car up today. . .and then the next day, finishing up by packing all the things I didn't put in the first time that I will need in the morning (tooth brush, tooth paste, hair straightener, dog food, etc etc etc. . .), then getting everything situated and things that need to be in reach within reach, allow parents to say goodbye to my dog and me, strap my dog in good and tight, then take off.

Thing is. . .I have to make a handful of calls today and go to the store to get my medicine and a few supplies that I need. So that's gonna eat up a good chunk of my time during business hours.

But, see, three things: 1) Not all my medicine is there, yet, but all of my refills will be in on the 17th, as three of them are controlled substances and cannot be renewed beforehand like the rest. So it would benefit me to stay here for that reason. 2) I have all the paperwork done and notarized to get my car changed over to my name and have it fully in my name and no longer associated with my parents at all. It'd benefit me to stay here so I could go to the local tag office and see if I could fool them into thinking I still live here and get insurance rates from here. NOLA has one of the highest insurance rates in the entire USA and I don't have that kinda money. Who tf does??? 3) All of these calls and emails are school related. I need to get an override as a transient student for just one class. And I have to do it before the 17th (17 seems to be prevalent in my life lately. . .wonder why. . .) because the college campus I am taking these two courses at will be closed from the 17th until the beginning of next semester---the first week of the new year. And the payment deadline is crazy and I don't wanna get dropped but I can't pay out-of-state tuition for two classes. I don't need the next one. . .I just need one to finish this vet-med transfer track degree which can get me into almost any university in the country with my GPA If I REALLY wanted to go broke and drive myself mad, I could even apply to the Ivy Leagues with this. But no. Fuck that. I would drop out my first semester with that workload and that tuition! Nope, NOPE! But even at this basic fucking community college (I expected community colleges to be a fuckton cheaper than the uni's I have/am attended/attending), one class with out-of-state tuition is close to 2k. 2 THOUSAND US DOLLARS. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!? I can't pay out of pocket for that! So I'm running my FAFSA through and I qualify for a Pell Grant. . .but only if I take a certain number of classes at this college, right? So my adviser tells me to sign up for one elective, which. . .as a transient student, I need an override for. I also need to make certain both college classes will transfer back to the college I am ACTUALLY enrolled in in Tampa, FL. Where I lived with my ex-fiance. Fucking wow. Ew. I won't ever go back there. NOPE!

So. . .anyways, ALL OF THIS is on a deadline. . .and I have been putting it off and putting it off. . .but Idk if I have to go into the community college campus in NOLA to get this override or if I can do it over the phone. I also need to talk to financial aid there to figure out why my FAFSA isn't going through and when the hell my Pell is gonna get approved and pay for my classes. If I don't pay by a certain day next month (REALLY early, first week when new semester starts), I get dropped from the courses. I will fucking cry if that happens because I literally stopped this degree about a year to two years ago with no intention of finishing it with only one class left on it. ONE SINGULAR CLASS. Meanwhile, I'm in another college studying through my vet tech degree. And I just got put into the vet pre-med program in NOLA. Which will be starting late next month. Very excited for that. So I'm going to be in three colleges at once. From the looks of it. . . Lessee. . .2 classes at transient student campus, 4 classes at my tech college, and 4-6 classes in my pre-med field. That's not counting any internships, shadowing, and seminars (which we have to summarize for credit). Also not counting a job. . .which I'm going to have to take up. I'm hoping to just. . .knock out my mandatory internship and my job simultaneously. Like. . get a job at a vet clinic. And when my internship time approaches, go to my boss (the vet) and ask for an internship or a referral to someone else with a note of recommendation. That'd be nice. Maybe I could even find a paid internship. Damn. . . So anyways, I'mma be hellishly busy when classes start.

That's not counting my list of things I have to do to become completely autonomous and escape from my parents manipulative, abusive, neglectful, threatening demeanor. Since I will have my dog with me, my car in my name, switching my phone bill to my own plan, and closing out my old bank account that is linked with theirs and opening a new one someplace else. That way, she can't threaten me with money or open threats about things that "are not mine, technically". I've been done for so goddamn long. . . SO done. And this is the last fucking straw. One of my roommates/fremily was in the same exact situation with his parents. Being controlled and all of the above by money. How he got his parents to realize that shit wasn't cool? He cut them off. For almost a full year. Changed his phone number, switched everything, cut off all ties with them and then checked in with them in about a year to ask if they had stopped being little whiny bitches about finances. And it worked. It worked beautifully. And it seems to me that my relationship with my parents improves DRASTICALLY the further away I am, physically. It could go from them locking me up after beating me and trying to suffocate me until I pass out. . .to calling me just to chat and see what's new and what's going on, etc etc etc. Ending the phone calls with an actual "I love you". Haven't heard that one much by ether parent! EVER! So. . .I have learned that the further away I am, physically, from my parents and the less I interact with them and, in turn, the more they back off and the more they respect me and our relationship just. . .mends. Easily. But it goes right back to normal the second I get anywhere near them.

Uhhhh....my point here was uhhhh.....

Oh right! So anyways. . .there's 2 moderately sized reasons I definitely should stay. . .and one large reason on why I should go. I would have to leave before school started so at the end of the month.

Plus, idk how I would handle another Christmas (my all-time favourite holidy) without my parents there to act the part that I knew when I was growing up. To act happy, to be kind to me, to love me, to treat me like a human being, to give me material possessions, to respect and trust me. . .Everyone in a good mood. Decorations and lights and sparkles everywhere. . .Cold weather. Dark and dreary. Literally my favourite time of year ever.

It was the only time growing up that I felt genuinely loved. . .even if it was all forced and staged. I realize thart now and it kind of hurts but I have chosen to block that thought out of my memory and let it rest. I don't need to be thinking about that.

I just don't know what to do! I'm scared that I won't be able to return to work all these months later. . .And terrified of the ginormous list of things I have to do to become dependent on myself and only myself, completely autonomous, and happier. There are some things on there that have a time limit so I really need to look at this and OH LOOK IT JUST HIT 5AM! HOW BOU DA!?

Anyways, uh. . .I wish I could figure this out. The vast majority of my body and brain has made up his mind that he wants to stay here until the week that school is starting. But I keep telling myself. . ."if you don't go back NOW while you remember all the good times. . .you will never go back. . ." Which is the worst decision I can imagine for this situation. I feel like this is one of those times where I need to seriously push myself into stepping outside my comfort zone. My mind forcing me. My mind holding my body hostage until I do it. Somehow, that works for me. Idk how. But being forced out of my comfort zone can make all the difference.

I know that isolating myself like I have been doing can lead to a recurrence of my depression and suicidal ideation and these issues with self harm and anorexia. My more fearful disorders---PTSD, schizo-affective, and borderline personality disorder---may all be medicated (other than BPD since it doesn't have a cure as of now), but they are all made much, much worse by isolation. I don't feel it coming, either. It just. . .happens one night/day. Oddly enough, I usually wake from a serious slumber and feel this sinking feeling in my chest that makes me feel literally empty and like I may be dying and a flicker of panic before I understand what's going on. And just like that. . .I'll be holding a razor blade to my wrists or I will be holding a bottle of pills in the palm of my hand. Or a noose. I would say gun, but I have no way to acquire one. Private dealers ask too much money for my financial situation and because of my disorders and multiple institutionalizations restrict me from buying one through a legal vendor. I wouldn't pass a background check. Not in a million years. And illegal arms dealers want WAYYYYYYYYYY too much for their items. So. . .no gun for me. Unfortunately.

Isolation could send me into psychosis. Isolation could make me hallucinate audibly AND corporeally. Isolation makes me attempt suicide and have violent mood swings. Isolation makes me stir crazy and ends with me breaking things and hurting myself or, if I snap, hurting someone else. Isolation isn't good for me at all and I know that, yet. . . Yet. . .When I get into a monotonous routine with time I get off, it is EXTREMELY hard to break the cycle. Since I HAVE had 7 whole years of destructive impulsivity. . .monotony and routine in general are two things that are very welcome in my life. To have a home base feel more than temporary. I know I will get bored and frustrated with both monotony and routine very easily and probably very soon, but for now. . I have stability. And it is nice. It won't last long because of how I am living with my parents and how they are living with me. That stability will be G-O-N-E very, very soon. Possibly at my own hands.

I wish I had an indefinite amount of time to stat here versus come back. That way. . .I could stay here and run an experiment. Stay and see just how long it takes for me to get so angry and so frustrated that I'm ready to just up and fucking leave the NANO-SECOND I GET THE CHANCE. Which. . .I tend to do. And then I tend to drive in some random direction. . .cry while driving. . .and then turn my GPS on to somewhere specific and ask a friend if I can stay with them until I figure out something more permanent for living in/with.

I don't know if leaving before the colleges/unis close for the holidays is the right decision. . .but, I almost feel like I have to. Which is why I have incentive to get home. If seeing my fremily wasn't enough. . .working things out in a timely manner so that I'm working hard and keeping busy for the next semester and progressing in life by earning this degree and finally, FINALLY taking that final fucking class. And, oh yeah. . .That's deff an incentive.

But. . .I want to stay here. In the creature comforts of a non-shotgun house. . .an extremely clean and spotless house. . .complete darkness (no windows to see outside light so even if it's midday outside and the sun is shining, I will have NO idea) and complete quiet. Which. . .both can be eerie sometimes which is why I have a white noise app on my phone and a rather dim nightlight plugged into the wall across my room near the couch. I want to be able to stay here where my mother is gone all day and my father avoids me like the plague. So I never have to see anyone or interact with anyone, but I know they're there and every so often hear them, giving me a sense of security for some reason. Idky. To actually have a room with a door that shuts and locks and to have an actual bed. That is honestly the one major problems of living in NOLA with my fremily poses. . .The fact that I don't have a room or doors that shut and lock or anything OR a bed. . .that's a problem for me. The only other thing I don't like about NOLA, which may turn out to be a deal breaker on my end because of this exact thing, is the weather. It is ALWAYS super hot and super muggy out. The fact that I have a chest/lung condition means that I could get a heart attack simply induced by heat. Before dying or passing out from heat stroke like most people do, I would get a heart attack if I even exerted myself slightly in this weather. Not even kidding. . .So the fact that I cannot go outside for ANYTHING for pretty much the whole year minus one or two months total. . .

There's a lot more I want to write, but it TURNS OUT that I'm hallucinating from lack of sleep a day early. This is day 5, I'm pretty sure. I don't think I have ever started hallucinating until very very late into day 5. It is 5:35am right now. I shouldn't be hallucinating for at least another 12 hours. . .But I am. Heavily. Both auditory and visual. And wow it's terrifying. I forgot this feeling after last months incident. So. . .I need to stop.

NOTE: I bet this entry is gonna have SO many confusing sentences, changing from "I/me" to "him/he" at random, not using correct punctuation, using a SERIOUSLY WRONG WORD in place of a word that I know and use every day, randomly putting letters and words into sentences where they don't belong. . .stuff like that. I apologize in advance but I won't be able to clean this entry up until the hallucinations stop. Which, they will only stop after I have gotten about 6 hours of sleep. So. . .no use telling me to fix things. Sleep probably won't happen for another few days if I don't take another Ambien. Fuck this. Ugh.
Okay, no, really. I'm done now. So many discrepancies and contradictions and horrible grammar and random words and phrases like wtf are they doing here and such.

OKAY BYE!




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