Ruinsofbeauty

Sleepless Dreams
2017-12-12 04:27:31 (UTC)

Not Really Living..

God, this is so difficult.. You wouldn't know it by just looking at me, but I have been undergoing change, and it's been a very slow process. I was grieving for three key family members, I was newly single after a 12 1/2 year relationship (with kids.. which also made me a newly single mom of two), and I was adjusting to living on my own for the first time in my life. Any one of these things would be enough to trouble someone, but I was dealing with all of these things at once. One death completely floored me. Out of everything I was dealing with, this death was the thing that did me in. I don't want to compare deaths as if I love someone more, because that isn't how I look at it. There's just always someone (besides your children, because children dying before a parent is unnatural. I don't even like to think about it.) who you can't imagine your life without. You can't even picture yourself in your mind without this person being in your life. That's how I thought of this person. It was unfathomable to me that I would ever be living a life without him. Then the day came when I was forced to not only imagine it, but accept it as reality. Four and a half years later, how well am I doing? I'm still here.. I made it, but that's not enough. I want to be as close to that person I was as I can get. I know that I won't ever be the same, and I'm ok with that. I really am. I wouldn't trade having the people I've lost for anything. No matter how much it hurts without them, it was still worth having them, but I want to have that feeling I used to have back. That anchored feeling of knowing who I am, what I'm capable of, and where I'm headed. For the past four and a half years, I feel as though I've been Alice in Wonderland.. just wandering around aimlessly. I take care of my responsibilities, but, some of what I used to do effortlessly, now requires my complete and total focus. Things require a lot more effort on my part because I'm really not interested in a lot of things. It's frightening how very little I actually care about. If there's anything that can be considered positive about this it's that it's freed me from caring about shit I shouldn't have been worried about in the first place. I see people worrying about shit that doesn't even matter, and I remember when I used to be like them. In that regard, it's been very liberating, so I want to keep that part of myself, but how do I become interested again? How do I start looking forward to things? How do I start embracing the day rather than dreading it? Until I can figure out the answers to these questions, I'm not really living.




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