rainy

My heart in a knot
2017-12-10 01:46:13 (UTC)

Harvesting my power

I wanted to come and write yesterday after getting off from work but I started listening to some music I haven't heard in a while then I fell asleep. I seem to fall asleep pretty normally however it never fails that I wake up at 1am, that's the time I woke up just now and here I am.


I woke up angry too! when I wake up in the middle of the night it's like my brain is flooded with all of my problems at once, this is one of the reasons why I have been saying I need to start back on ashwaghandha because when I was on it that rarely happened and even if it did I was able to feel a lot calmer and rational about fixing my problems and becoming the person I need to be. So far it looks like I'm going to decide to go back to the same brand I had originally tried, I'm too scared to try the store brand because of past experiences as well as lack of information regarding the source of their ashwaghandha, the last thing I need are more heavy metals flooding my system and causing a toxic overload. The body is supposed to help get rid of these toxins but I think for some reason mine is slower than usual at cleansing which is why I've adopted such a strict diet.

Speaking of my diet I am doing wonderfully at sticking to it now more than ever, however it seems like I've developed new symptoms, I'm hoping they will regulate on their own as I've cut back on certain things, I also really believe that the mold in this house is effecting me so I can't wait to get out of here.

What I wanted to write about after work was how things were going at my second job and what I could expect in the coming week. On December 17th it will make 90 days since I've been at my second job, this is the job that I signed up for thinking it would be the opportunity to turn my life around for the better but it ended up being the worst job of my life. The sad part is that originally I had every intention of going into this job with a smile on my face, high work ethic, enthusiasm and a drive to succeed, but things quickly turned into despair as I was faced with a harsh reality of poverty and lack of education. At work there is always at least one person who smells strongly of either alcohol, cigarettes, or marijuana. The smells are overwhelming to my nose and throat and I do my best to avoid the person in question on days that they smell.


Over the past week I've started to realize how much this job has been a factor in causing me to feel depressed, at work I don't talk to people because I had to mentally shut down, of course many of them interpret it as rude, but the reality is that I've just been trying to make myself "invisible" so that I didn't absorb the behaviors going on around me, particularly gossip, which I've always hated. Yesterday one of the managers went on a complete tirade! it was around 2pm and everyone was about to start our assignment then suddenly we all hear her voice just going off, her words were barely coherent because she just kept talking, complaining, yelling, and criticizing. Apparently this is normal behavior for her because all of the other coworkers seemed to scatter like roaches and it triggered a lot of negative feelings in them. Even when I inquired with some of them about why this manager was so angry I was just given a generic response as it seemed they didn't want to go into details. But apparently she didn't want us to start so early, so instead of asking nicely she just starts yelling and screaming at everyone! and of course it was tolerated as many of my coworkers faces looked helpless as they walked around and pretended to look occupied with something else.


One of the sad things about working (and this goes for any field or profession) is that you will always likely find that the people in positions of power will often abuse that power, it kind of reflects on Philip Zimbardo's Stanford prison experiment in which the participants were given different roles and there was an immediate abuse of power. I have experienced this at every job I've held and it's hard not to find this abuse of power. I think this is why so many people would rather work for themselves.


Well, I'm going to try to get some sleep, I may go to my first job tomorrow since I picked up some extra hours.




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