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2017-12-07 23:39:44 (UTC)

Come shove me over the edge 'cause my head is in overdrive.

Emotions are high, I have a strange sense of failure and I feel like I have no one to turn to. Depression is setting in, when I should be feeling the complete opposite. I'm surrounded by bad news, a dark cloud that just won't fuck off.

I'm certain that it sounds extreme, like I'm over exaggerating; but I'm once again in the mind set that I'm ready and willing. I once again see no point in continuing.

I hurt and fuck up everyone that I become intimate with. I feel like I suck the life force out of their entirety. I don't want to be this way and I certainly don't mean to be. I feel like I'm schizophrenic with this running monologue that never goes away. I spend ninety percent of my time awake, in my head, overthinking everything.

Every situation I end up in becomes troublesome, I ruin everything, everyone. I wish this wasn't the way I am, but unfortunately unless I'm able to be somebody else, then I'm stuck this way.

I wonder that if I wasn't this way, that you'd feel connected to me. That you'd actually smile when you look at me, not because I'm looking at you, so you force a smile. Actually smiling because you're happy to see me.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I don't think this will last for much longer and unfortunately for the people that I love in life, they're going to lose something very dear. I hope they don't think I'm selfish. I hope they'll understand.

The sun won't shine here, it never did. When it rains, it fucking pours. I think I like it.