2017-12-07 22:48:41 (UTC)
ThursdayMany developments since my last entry. I am in therapy. I have made a decision to stop fighting...seems like all I have ever done my whole life is stay in fight mode..I have made a decision to be a better me, which won't require me to fight anyone or anything any longer. I want to heal and find some peace. I have come to this crossroad many times in my life. I put a bandaide on it and keep going thinking I have resolved the problem..in reality all I have ever done is run from it or replaced the problem with a vice. Those bandaides and vices built up and caused so much harm, and not just on myself but those that I love the most. When I started to realize what I was doing and had done, I didn't know how to correct it or make up for the damage...and beat myself up over it, a lot. All of that combined with me continuing to do the same things...well, resulting in me hitting rock bottom. I had no desire to live any longer. I am still struggling. I know it won't resolve over night and this will be a long process. But, I am in it. I want and desire a better me. I also realize that I am having to do things that I have never done before. This week has been an eye opener for me. For the first time in my life I am going to have to cut some people loose from my life. I hold the relationships that I have formed in my adult life very dear to me...like a prized possession. I grew up feeling very alone. Those relationships, getting validation and love from them has meant the world to me...to a very costly point. I don't want to live that way any longer. That validation and love needs to come from me..should have always come from me. I have bent and twisted in so many ways compromising myself to save or make other people happy. That isn't healthy and that isn't friendship. It hurts. I am still very uncomfortable with it but I also must understand that there will be a lot of things in life that will be uncomfortable and will hurt and I must learn to cope with those feelings. I never learned to cope..I'm 35 years old. I realized I was never shown or taught how to in healthy ways...and my fear now is is that I have passed that same onto my kids. People say, "better late then never"....but what do you do about the damage done? ..I'm still beating myself up. I must learn to be kinder and forgiving of myself as I am to others. What my therapist says.
It isn't so easy.