Habibullo-Eugene Kiselev

A Synopsis of my Life
2017-11-01 19:35:45 (UTC)

November 1st, 2017, Wednesday, 07:35:45 p.m.

Yekaterinburg, Russia. GMT 05:00
To tell the truth, much time has passed since I wrote my last entry in this journal. Many things have happened to me. I will try to be concise for now, because “brevity is the soul of wit” (William Shakespeare, “Hamlet”, act II, scene 2). At the same time, I will make an attempt to describe each detail, so that nothing could be lost. I want “to kill two birds with one stone”, eh…
So, during this time, I went through a great deal of depressions, dejections, despair, spiritual crises, revival, regaining hope, and so on. Okay. It was several days ago when I wrote to my Teacher, Eugene Lobanov. I wrote, that I would not write poetry, prose, or scientific research anymore for I was sure I had been an ungifted author and scientist. (The latter is figurative, for I do not have a formal academic degree.) He replied to me something like “do whatever you want. If you have a desire to return, you will return, if not, that will be your choice”. The next day, I gave him a call to apologize for this letter. He gave me a lesson, saying, “You have to write more and more. If you do not write, thoughts like that will never leave you. If you write more, you will gain more confidence in your talent and in your abilities”. So, I heeded his words and restarted my writing activity. I am writing a poem at the moment, but I will tell about it later.
Another thing, which compelled me to overcome my writer’s block, was correspondence with Khadija Nurutdinova (Avar and Russian: Хадиджа Нурутдинова), a Muslim poet and prose writer from the city of Makhachkala, Republic of Dagestan, Russia. Recently, I had a desire to translate one of her fairy tales, published in the “As-Salam” newspaper, into English. We had a very warm correspondence, where she gave me a permission to translate and publish this fairy tale under her name. Also, Khadija expressed a desire to get a copy of her fairy tale and even said she would pay for mail expenses.
In addition to all of that, Khadija Nurutdinova asked me to send her several of the verbatim Russian translations of my Islamic poems. She appreciated them highly. Finally, I translated her fairy tale and sent my translation to Khadija, she received it, but she has not written to me ever since.
It was also during this segment of the time, when I said I would no more believe in God, because I said, “If God existed, I would live abroad now”. I turned into a complete atheist, for I did not have hope anymore. The reason for that was that I have once tried to get in with a foreign girl, but she turned me down in a dirty way…
However, I soon realized I could not live without God, religion and spirituality. Indeed, these are the essential components of my life. All the more so, there is one thesis by Saint Thomas Aquinas, 1225 – 1274, a medieval philosopher and theologian. He tried to give evidence that God really exists. One of the pieces of this evidence, which are called “Quinque viæ”, or “The Five Ways” says, “In the world we can see that at least some things are changing. Whatever is changing is being changed by something else. If that by which it is changing is itself changed, then it too is being changed by something else. But this chain cannot be infinitely long, so there must be something that causes change without itself changing. This everyone understands to be God”. (Copleston, Frederick (1993). Medieval philosophy: [from Augustine to Duns Scotus] ([Repr.]. ed.). New York [u.a.]: Image Books, Doubleday. pp. 341–342.). To tell the truth, this argument is the only thing, which revived my religiousness.
Not long ago, I returned to the words of my kind acquaintance, Rəmis Xəzrət Siraçi who advised me to start searching for the meaning of my life. Indeed, I am very close to this search. Earlier, I suddenly thought that the meaning of my life was to move abroad. Yes, this is definitely the meaning of my whole life. Yes, it is. It is a thousand times. However, I would say, this is a PART of the meaning of my life, for the meaning of life should be something eternal, perpetual and everlasting, according to the words of Rəmis Xəzrət Siraçi. The meaning of my life is finding “THE MOTHERLAND OF MY SPIRIT”. I can now say with assurance, that this is not Russia.
So, where is this Motherland of my Spirit? “Wherever where they speak English” – I can say. This is partly true, because I felt it when I was watching the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with the American volunteers. I felt this English spirit, the Spirit of my true Motherland. However, on the other hand it is impossible to establish the Motherland of Spirit artificially, in the midst of another environment. So, I need to look for it. Speaking English is a very important part of it, but it is not everything. Indeed, looking for the Motherland of Spirit can be meaning of life, but… Well, I need to discuss this with Rəmis Xəzrət Siraçi.‎
My work at the University is more or less okay. However, I am feeling down at the moment. “This may be because of the fall” – my Mom says. Maybe. Who knows?




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