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2017-12-05 14:40:04 (UTC)

Are you the lips to my sweet phantom kiss.

I feel like I'm going round in circles. Years have past and yet I'm experiencing the same things that were once the core of my existence. I spent the night worried, overthinking things that may or may not be true. I came running to you the second you called, only to be greeted by a drunken mess that only wanted one thing. Which unfortunately wasn't me.

I feel unsure and worried about my future, about you, about us. Why can't you see that I just want you to be safe? That I just want you to be happy. I guess I really do go for girls that are completely fucking broken. Why do I consistently think that I can help? That I can fix them?

Before I met you, I know that I was done and that I was content with the motion of suicide, but you did something to me, you've done something to me. You've allowed me a second chance, a second wind.

Everything feels blurry right now, I'm not sure where I stand and if I'm being honest, I'm probably just overthinking everything and getting myself down for no apparent reason. Or, these thoughts and feelings are the result of me knowing that what is currently going on in my life is fucked up and it's warning me that I should leave now before it's too late.

I already feel like it's too late. I already feel so fucking attached that losing you would break me. I don't want to experience anymore heartache. Although I already know that this time, the heartache will be so severe compared to anything else I've ever experienced.

I feel worn down and broken. I know that it's difficult with our current situation and I understand that you don't feel the same way as I feel about you. But that's okay. I hope that one day you'll feel the same and we'll be on the same level.

I know what I have to do moving forward, and I hope that I cause you less pain. I'm also hoping that when we don't see each other for a few days over Christmas that we'll grow closer, and by then I'll be working and can help you with your money worries.

I care about you so much, that it literally fucking hurts.

Now all that I can do is hand myself to you and pray you'll let me love you.