Thought process
2017-11-29 22:46:38 (UTC)

Depression is scary

Depression is the scariest thing I have ever faced. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14, then re-diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 18. I'm now 23 and nothing has changed, I'm still suffering, worse. I have no idea what to do to help myself. I do feel happiness, I'm not a complete robot. But nine times out of ten, my happiness is fake, even around my loved ones. There is nothing I want more than to be genuinely happy, but it just won't happen for me. I think I've given up on myself, which is something I swore I would never do. I just constantly feel so alone, like nobody understands what I'm going through, like I'm going through this by myself. Sometimes I'll be sat talking away to my partner, having a proper chinwag, and then suddenly I feel like bursting into tears. I always excuse myself to the toilet and give myself a slap, because I feel pathetic. There is no real reason I should be upset. Yes, there are a few issues in my life, but who doesn't have issues, seriously? Everyone has problems. But most people deal with them. I can't seem to deal with anything. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to talk to anyone, or smile, or breathe. I force myself to be alive but in all honesty I just want this to be over. I don't think anyone understands that I'm really trying my hardest to be okay. I've tried counselling, I've tried drugs, I've tried distracting myself - nothing works. The only time I'm genuinely happy is when I'm daydreaming about ways to hurt myself. Ways to make this pain stop. I know that it would upset a few people if anything happened to me, but if they knew the pain I was going through. I'm sure they would understand.

I don't know if I'm going to update this again. I might give a link to this page to my partner. Maybe it would help her get into my head a bit, understand how I'm feeling. It's a difficult thing to explain. Who knows.