Katie-Brave

My Letter To The World
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2017-11-29 19:55:57 (UTC)

Yesterday is dead and gone and me along with it.

Mood: Very anxious
Song: Wake me up by Avicii
Color: Copper


I feel so full of anger and empty of everything else.
Which is not a place I've wanted to live and be....but i feel like the past what 3 years have been hell....like it goes from a person who got angry at things sure, but i didn't stay angry i didn't hold grudges....I didn't constantly feel darkness like a fog surrounding me constantly.
It's an anger and depression and sadness that is there looming behind every laugh and smile and every time i say that i'm doing good and doing fine when i really feel just the opposite.

My Family is now also worried about me, i feel like i was in an intervention after lunch today....just sat talking and then things turn to a subject in which frustrates me for good reason, and then it turned completely to me and how they are worried about me because of my anger not like an explosive i would hurt someone type of worry but more...worried that i've changed and become Jaded and i'm not the same person that they know me to be anymore.
The person that they love and were proud of because i had a soft heart and such.
apparently they don't think that person is there anymore...after things that have happened.
and they openly admit that they don't know what caused it, one event or a mix and slow build of several things that have happened which is what i would say is the thing.
I don't want to feel this way.
I don't want to be a jaded and different person....i want to go back and be innocent and open and not hurt the way i have been...just go back to where my slate was mostly clean and i could deal with the injustices that i couldn't control and avoid the ones that were coming that i didn't expect.

See the thing is, is compared to last year i feel like im in a better place, and last year i was in a better place than i was the year before....
But maybe "better" isn't exactly the accurate word....maybe i've just gotten used to feeling anger....feeling Jaded and expecting people to hurt me, leave me, disappoint me, Expecting people to lie, to cheat, to gossip, to betray...expecting people to be cliqueish and not accepting, expect things that i didn't think would ever fade to just fade away like sand slipping through my fingers...
I can't hold onto anything.
I've always fancied the idea of no gravity and flying and feeling weightless but right now the idea is terrifying the idea that i could just float away and that i can't be grounded or hold on to anyone or anything....literally just makes me feel sick.
I feel like i have changed and it's getting harder and harder to feel the person i once was somewhere deep down inside me.
the person i swore i would never forget or completely abandon.
if i close my eyes and concentrate on that memory and focus on how it felt to be that young i can just remember, i can just feel it but it's so far down.
I feel like i won't ever be better....like i'm going to be sad forever, be depressed, be jaded, be stuck scared and alone...missing people and hating people but never just having people there.
Yesterday is dead and gone and i'm afraid it's taken me with it..... I don't want to be gone? can i get her back? can i save myself? i don't know.


Peace.

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