Wr1tt3n0ne

Bunches and bunches
2017-11-22 07:11:51 (UTC)

Bad to the Bone?

"I've been a bad, bad girl..."


Well, not unlike Fiona Apple, I have been bad. I have hurt people out of vengeance. In my past I have played judge, jury and executioner with those I felt wronged me or otherwise earned it. And a great deal of even my friends from that time period can tell you I was, at best, a pain and, at worst, destructive when I did not get my way. My enemies would call me ruthless and I was.

It may have been morally reprehensible, but it was not without its perks. Few, if any, messed around with me. And I won't lie, it felt great to take out my visceral issues on those I felt responsible. It was, however, a long way from right. And that would eventually hunt me down and haunt me. I had so much pique that vengeance took up most of my thoughts which I can say is no way to try to live your life. Also I earned a great deal of mistrust from those around me, rightly so. It was also pretty dispiriting to understand I earned the maltreatment I received. Wrongs do tend to follow one another, after all.

Ultimately, I realized I could not be who and how I wanted if I held on to this blood thirst of mine. And there was several months of therapy, finally culminating in anger management. Which was my low in my therapy that I needed to get a hold of myself so badly I had to follow the program. Humiliating and well deserved, as I did finally get a grip on myself and stopped throwing things and planning others' downfalls. I learned to count, like an overheated child until I could stop behaving as one. My temper became something I controlled instead of something that controlled me. Vengeance was what I let go of.

My life got better. I began to be the person who I would trust. My relationships improved markedly. This was several years ago.

I asked to speak with first love's partner, offered my number. I figured she would initiate contact or not depending on how she felt. He wouldn't pass the message to her.

Seems like I somehow got my name back on the bad list. I wonder what did I do? In the train wreck that constituted the end of our former recent relationship I said choice things about him, but not about her. I blamed and felt betrayed by him, not her. I never behaved aggressively towards her. I felt he was letting her have too much say in our relationship, but that was a beef I had with him, not her. Still my reception was suspicious and negative despite my neutrality towards her. Oh, well, I guess she'll never know I wanted to speak to her as it is clear to me he will not pass on the message. This tells me where I stand and the view isn't pretty.




Ad: