Kill Switch

The Chaos Code
2017-11-15 18:17:54 (UTC)

Autonomy Is An Impossible Goal. Not Improbable---IMPOSSIBLE.

Autonomy is impossible. It's impossible.


I'm trying so hard. I am NOT ungrateful that my parents keep offering me money....but they have done this my whole goddamn life. "Well, if you do this thing we don't like, we'll just draw everything out of your account and tell the police you stole the car since it isn't in your name and then you'll have nothing. Then, you'll be wanting that money, won't you?" To be forced into crawling back to them....EVERY time....

To just one day wake up and find my less than 600 dollar monthly income sucked out of my account down to absolutely nothing is....the most terrifying thing. To have a cop pull me over and bring me into a holding cell because I "stole" my own car because it is legally not in my name as the primary owner is devastating. To have nothing...and to be forced to go to your parents for money or become homeless and starving...AGAIN....is ...too much.

I'm pre-med. My bills are high. I have a LOT of medical-related bills...and my credit score is about 520 right now simply because of medical debt that I can and will never pay off. And that's not even counting loans I have to take out that grants and scholarships do not cover for school. I don't have to start paying them back till I'm done with school, though. At least there's that...

I have SO MUCH I need to pay for...and my mother keeps reminding me how they're there to "help". I'm sure MILLIONS of people would LOVE to have their parents throw money at them... I'm sure everyone sees me as an ungrateful childish son because of how I try so hard to push their help away. For 24 years, I accepted it without question. Because I was so scared of the consequences. And they have my dog....they have my dog.......they have my dog.....MY DOG.....my everything.........my everything...they have that.

And, in agreement with my mother, she will keep him for me until my roommates and I can find a place to stay for me to bring him in...for a maximum of so much time. And if I haven't become fully autonomous by that time, he is going to a kill shelter. She is sending him there. Yet she keeps pushing money on me...she keeps pushing and pushing and pushing....yet simultaneously giving me requirements to become autonomous or the worst thing that could happen in my entire life from birth to death will happen to me. Losing my dog in any way is the end of my life. I will find an illegal arms dealer, hand over every cent I have, and shoot myself. The second I lose him, I lose everything. My dog is everything. His name is tattooed on my wrist. His paws are my next tattoo. I'm getting a thigh piece of him done. He is the background on my phone AND my lockscreen. I have a picture of him in my wallet. I have framed pictures all over the house. And I have a locket with his picture in it that I wear under my clothes every day. I have been away from him for almost 2 months now......and I have never felt so destroyed. I can't cope without him and I want to fucking SCREAM. I literally just want to scream but one of my roommates is home and he's sleeping. Screaming would help. Stabbing something with my switchblade would help. Over and over and over and over.....I want to destroy everything right now.

I don't want the fucking money. I don't want it. I don't want it. Yes, I need it. I need it BADLY. I have never needed financial help so badly in my life. I have 10 dollars to my name exactly...and I will not have any more money until the 3rd of next month. It is the 15th of this month right now. I have exactly 10 dollars to live on until the 3rd of next month.

Yes, I need the help. I need it...and it KILLS ME THAT THEY KEEP FUCKING PUSHING ME TO TAKE IT BECAUSE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WILL DO IF I DO TAKE IT. I know what they'll do. It started off with "Here, take this 50 dollar bill and go entertain yourself until dark and stay away from us." When I was a child. Then when I was a teenager, it was "Remember that time at this precise moment yesterday when I gave you x amount of money? Well, about that...There's this thing we need done." Then when I turned 18 and left home for college, it turned to "If you don't take it...x, x, and x will happen. What will you do then?" and the most recent "We'll just get you arrested if you don't take it. Wonder how you will get a job with those degrees then!" And so many other subtle threats and mind games. Since I'm not at home anymore, I'm not getting locked in dryers, physically strapped to chairs and desks in order to study and do work nonstop, and I'm not getting thrown in rooms and beaten. Or, in high school after we moved to a house with a basement, getting locked down there and having the power turned off for days. Not being able to get out. Having my medications taken away and locked up.

All of my ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends have all done the same things. It's nothing but control over me and I don't know how to get past it......how the fuck do you become autonomous when you have nothing and no skills and no talents and no common sense and only inapplicable knowledge? I know everything there is to know that I need to know to function in society. . .but I can't apply it. I can't seem to figure out how to apply it. And it's killing me. It's fucking killing me.

And honestly...right at this moment...shredding my other forearm up sounds pretty nice. And I wish my mother would stop threatening me with money. I am 25. I have a fucking RIGHT to be autonomous...and I want to cut them off....but I cannot until I have my dog with me. I can't do that without having my dog. I cannot.

What do I do until then? What the FUCK do I do!?

Honestly, suicide isn't such a bad idea. It's just euthanasia. Self euthanasia. I've already taken 8 valium. I'm sure if I down the rest of the valium I have (maybe...30 pills? Idk.), it would shut down my heart and put me in respiratory distress. That's the only thing that has stopped me every time I overdose. I'm terrified of suffocation. And every time the respiratory depression hits me. . .I end up seeking help and telling someone I ODed and ...hence, my 20 institutionalizations. And then end up wasting meds...and ripping my organs to shreds in the process. Honestly, I'm VERY surprised I'm not on dialysis yet. Very surprised. 2 years ago, doctors in the ER told me if I didn't stop doing drugs everyday, I had about a year left. Well...I'm still here. 2 years later. And just fucking fine by the looks of it.

I have incredibly resilient organs (and hair). Just. . .incredibly resilient everything. And it's a curse. There's TONS of physically disabled people who would kill to have my body, despite my body being hideous. Yes, I have a very rare, chronic form of costochondritis, but that just means I can't be in heat of any kind or do any sort of exercise or physical exertion. Other than that, I am ENTIRELY able-bodied. I'm sure people with severe physical disabilities would kill for my body. So why can I not just transfer all of this to someone else? I can donate all my organs and skin and hair and whatever the hell else that can be used for science (I'd prefer they all go to any science field students and not people in need of organs, personally, but either works. I just want people to be able to experiment on human cadavers/organs/anything and I want mine to be one of them. Donate my brain for mapping purposes. Etc, etc, etc...I would pick scientific/medical advancements over giving my parts to a handful of singular beings. Science and medical advancements can help the world...donating organs to linear beings seems pointless in my mind. But I digress...that's a whole different topic.)

But....but....I just....

I have SO FUCKING MUCH to do right now.....so much.....and I can't. Lately, I can't do anything. I just can't. And I noticed it coincides with me getting back on pain killers and benzos and binging them all the time. Not every day like I'm accustomed to and have been since childhood, but. . .enough to where it's becoming a problem again. It's not a problem yet. But it could be if I let it be. And I'm pretty sure I will probably let it be. Because I just.....don't care. And I can't...I cannot handle things like this...I cannot handle these days of stagnancy. I need drugs to function. I need them. So.......so..........

Doesn't anyone understand? Isn't it better for a singular, linear individual to keep from killing himself by self-care methods like doing drugs and cutting in a non-lethal way? You get cut doing things naturally. No one complains then. Oh, but the second you try to NOT KILL YOURSELF with a coping mechanism that WORKS and you happen to cut yourself instead of getting cut by something else THAT IS NOT RIGHT. OH NO. SOCIETAL TABOO, RIGHT THERE. Well, fuck society. I need self care and I'm going to GIVE MYSELF self care. And if that means keeping myself from dying, then I will do what it takes to attain that goal. Because. . .days like yesterday exist in this linear existence. But...the fact is, our existence IS linear. At least, this body and mind combined is linear. Idk about separate. Bodies are definitely linear, but who tf knows what goes on with the neural net.

I just wish I could have the courage to get through the respiratory depression stage of death. Then I'd have no problems. If I had a gun, it would take me less than 1 second flat to make the decision. It wouldn't be an issue. At all. But I can't legally purchase a firearm because of my psychological background which crosses over into legal things. But......I'm looking for a place that doesn't background check. I have been looking for years. Since I was 13, actually. And I'm still looking. And now that I live in the middle of New Olreans? I'm sure I will be able to find one someday.

Hell, I found a heroin/crack/pill dealer without even meaning to. So why the fuck not? I'm sure after enough time of living here.....I can find one. If I had my dog, I wouldn't need to. But I don't.

I have no purpose. I have goals, I have aspirations, I have intentions, I have VAST AF knowledge....I just can't get through and/or apply anything irl.

So.......why not give up? I'm a nihilist, so yes, ofc, I'm going to say the stereotypical "We all die at some point anyways; Why does it matter when we do?"

Do I want to suffer through another 60 years of ups and downs? Do I really want to grow old and have all the old people issues that old people deal with? FUCK NO, I DO NOT! I don't want to hit 50, for sure. That's my fucking limit right there. I'd PREFER not to hit 30...that's too old for me. But...that's approaching quickly.....

So what do? I just...don't know anymore.

Fuck it. I don't even remember if I took more valium while writing this, but I'll be damned if I don't take another mini handful to make me feel better.




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