Bipolar millennial's life
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2017-11-14 20:57:46 (UTC)

happy some day

I have never felt genuinely happy. I was never seriously well. I remember being depressed as a little kid. I was always lost.
But I wasn't like this..... I was never this anxious, this awkward, I have never struggled so hard. I have no idea what is happening to me. My friend says my meds are making me feel worse. It might be true but the doctor won't do anything about it.
Whatever I say, whatever I do, I always feel like it's possible that I'm making a terrible mistake and somebody will laugh at me for it. Sometimes I would like to choose not to breathe so nobody would blame me for breathing. It makes no sense but it's how I feel.

I didn't go to therapy today. I made myself a day off. I lied I have something important to do. And I had a pretty good day. I studied quite a lot and drunk a lot of coffee. I went shopping. I had almost no anxiety until the moment when I knew my flatmate was going to come back home from work. I always feel like a lazy piece of shit around her. She has a full-time job and she is also studying. She came home and asked me why I'm home so early.
Because I'm a lazy piece of shit, I said. Just kidding. I didn't say that but i did think that.
She's so alive, she does so much stuff, she feels every moment, she laughs, she smiles, she worries, she curses, she lives fully. I envy her so much. How alive she is. I'm not alive, I'm a zombie. I don't like myself or my life. Moreover, I don't accept myself or my life. My personality is cheesy and my life is tacky.
The therapy is ending soon and I don't feel like it helped me a lot. Maybe I was not ready? I don't regret not giving up though. At least I tried. And I got more money from a sick leave than I would actually earn working, because I wouldn't be able to work full-time while studying but I got a full-time wage.
In two weeks I'm coming back to work. I think I forgot a lot of things and lost my skills. I'm afraid of coming back to work after 4 months. Especially because I apparently have social anxiety issues now for some reason. I feel like my mental health is just getting worse proportionally to ageing. I have never been (so) socially anxious, wtf is wrong?!

I feel like life makes no goddamn sense. I see no point in living. I'm not enjoying it at all. If I knew for sure that this is how I will feel for the rest of my life, I would kill myself. Seriously, I'd just do it. But I can never know for sure. Maybe I will be happy some day? I can only try to make it better. I don't see a point, but as far as I can stand the struggle I can just give it a try. Maybe I will see a point, maybe I will be glad I didn't give up?