Brandon's diary
2017-11-14 17:06:44 (UTC)


Through the persistent ups and downs of my life there has always been one constant factor always affecting my thoughts and actions. Anxiety is very prominent in my mother's side of the family and it feels as if our entire generation has fallen victim to an overbearing sense of "Is everything going to be okay?" I find myself constantly worrying about myself, the people in my life, money, the future, etc. Thankfully there have been many people, both friends and strangers who have tried to help me deal with some of the stress I've been undergoing. As many people who know me know, I do not drive because of my anxiety. As a result, finding work has ben extremely difficult. I've tried to find numerous work-from-home opportunities but unfortunately nothing has popped up and stuck. Money is ultimately the biggest stress factor in my life right now, living in an apartment that I cannot afford with additional expenses that just keep piling up. Thankfully I have my boyfriend who tries to relieve as much stress as he can, but I feel like I'm sinking.

It's been very difficult to keep a positive mindset during this time of self-development when there are so many outside factors that are weighing me down. It seems like every time there's a small light at the end of the tunnel, something falls down and blocks it. I'm terrible at asking for help and often feel like a burden. There are a few people who have been tremendously supportive, both financially and emotionally, and I'm extremely grateful for them. However, no matter how hard I try it just still isn't enough to get this weight off my shoulders. Every day I pray for a miracle or for a step in the right direction. I try every day to better myself and look for ways to make this stress less prominent in my life. Unfortunately, it all comes down to money and the lack of it. It's as if my head is being held underwater and although I sometimes get closer to the surface, something keeps dragging me back down.

I'm not really entirely sure what to do at this point. I'm doing everything I can. I've asked for help in any way I can. It isn't other peoples' responsibility to be there but I have had some tremendously supportive friends. I guess what I'm praying for is a break. I'm praying for some sort of relief, even if it's temporary. I'm praying for a chance to breathe. I would do whatever it takes to just have a pause from the burden that is life right now. I have so much to be grateful for, but this overbearing sense of insecurity corrupts just how beautiful everything else in my life is. At least I can acknowledge that. Until then, I'll simply keep praying and doing the best I can to make ends meet. What's meant to be will happen.