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Do What You Fear
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2017-11-14 00:04:58 (UTC)

If it feels good, do it

Today, I had a therapy session I considered to be deep and meaningful. And, I finished an assignment. And, I went to dinner and had a fairly nice chat with someone I have never properly talked to before. I only said a couple awkward things. I am trying the thing of keeping talking and not stopping talking. Force the conversation, even. But also, chill. This is how you get to know people.

And, my mum is coming to visit! I am about to see her, very soon. I am not sure I have ever been so excited to see a family member. I've felt so isolated because no one here truly knows me on a deep level, and now I am about to see someone I have known since I was born. I have never known anyone else as long, actually, because I have lived apart from my dad and brother for longer periods than I have with my mum. I am also going to see my cousin and his wife as well.

Two days later:
I finished seeing my mum. We spent basically over two days together. It was great and maybe I'll write about it. Probably not.

Another day later:
Today I went to a "platonic" "cuddle party" for four hours and briefly made out with a 37-year-old guy whose name I forget in a room filled with other people on cushioned mats. In the moment, it felt soooo right. Honestly, it still feels right. I just... am questioning who I am, I suppose. The guy wasn't even really very attractive, and I didn't feel pressured, but the cuddling felt so good and the touch felt so good that I just allowed it to happen; I encouraged it to happen. And, I can never tell anyone it happened. At least, not for years, when I am old and can be like "Haha! When I was 21 I went to a cuddle party in California and it was totally not platonic! I made out with a 37-year-old in the corner! Haha!"

We made out for like several seconds, and then the woman in charge of the group stood over us and was like, "now is not the place." This is because there were rules that we had to be platonic. It's strange that the reason I knew what to do is by observing, while pretending not to observe, my roommate Lisa constantly hooking up with Guy in front of me. And that was also why I didn't feel so weird about all the cuddling and about being so sexual while other people were in the room. First Lisa, and then Kerry, have done so many sexual things with guys while I was there (while I pretend not to notice). And I've seen people all cuddling together just like they did at the cuddle party. So, the other people who were new to cuddle parties (two others), were a lot less into the cuddling than I was. They needed the cuddle party to make their attitudes shift, whereas my attitudes have already shifted. But I guess despite my attitudes changing, I was sceptical about actually seeking human touch.

It's so weird that Lisa, without realizing it, has probably shaped my views about sex forever. Anyway it was sooooo fucking hot. I felt an actual connection with this dude, like he understood me or something. It didn't feel important that he was older than me. I feel really exhilarated right now. Maybe it's dodgy because society and everyone I know would be freaked out by the fact that he is so much older. And also he said he mentioned he used to do a lot of drugs when he was younger, which could possibly mean hard drugs and suggests he also had a lot of sex, which possibly means he might have an STI, right? This is just my brain thinking of shit.

I gave him my number and he said he will text me. He also asked me what I was doing tonight, so legitimately I could have probably gone back to his place and fucked him. If he texts me, I honestly likely will. I will tell him I'm a virgin, too, because the point is to be real with someone, to look for a real connection. I guess it's also because I'm lonely. But honestly, who cares? It's just a quick hook-up. If he wasn't 37 I wouldn't be second-guessing it, and the only reason age differences can be really damaging is if there is a huge power imbalance, and the way we were talking... it didn't feel that there was an age difference. I don't feel pressured. I would feel comfortable saying no. I just want to do it for myself, for sexual pleasure I guess, and on some level to "get over" losing my virginity, but mostly just because I think it will be fun. If I wasn't a virgin, I wouldn't be questioning doing this as much.

It's so weird, if this happens, he'll probably remember me forever as the 21-year-old from the cuddle party whose virginity he took. He'll probably tell his friends about me when he's drunk. He'll probably feel there is an actual meaning to what happens between us. And who knows what I will think about it. I'm indecisive and I don't know what I want. He texted me, and I am waiting ten minutes before texting him back. The only point of texting him is a quick, fun, eventful hook-up, and to feel some kind of connection with him.

There is also more to say about the cuddle party because that was fucking eventful. Before I signed up, I was like, "I'm just going to this for like, a social experiment. I'm not actually into cuddle parties with random strangers!" But I'm not hooking up with this guy for a social experiment,, I'm hooking up because I'm fucking into it. And I made out with him because I was genuinely into it. And the worst part is, I can't tell anyone because I will feel too judged. I guess I can say I hooked up with someone, just not mention the age.

I have been interested in hippies lately, because of the fact that I live with a fuck ton of them. Wikipedia says a hippie quote is "if it feels good, do it." And I realize from living in co-ops, this is what I have grown to believe. Not so long ago, I would have thought streaking on campus to be a rebellious, almost sexual thing to do in order to make a statement. But when our team did that over a month ago now, it was genuinely just fun. It reminded me of being a little kid and doing weird things similar to that all the time. And the few drugs I've experimented with since being here are genuinely just fun. And so is sex. It doesn't have to be that meaningful; it's just about pleasure and connection.

So I literally just arranged to hook up with this guy the day after tomorrow? What? But he also says there is "no pressure." I clarified I wasn't looking for anything serious and he said he wasn't either, just "respectful and fun times." This is so fucking hot, right? Is this hot? Who am I? I'm just going to do it. Something about the consent thing here always somehow makes me want to do more stuff. Like with the coke the other week, the health manager told me not to feel pressured and that was so nice and comforting that it made me want to do it. This guy also told me not to feel pressured. He kept asking the whole time if what he was doing was okay. It honestly just makes it hotter and more comforting.

It's the following day again, and I've been thinking about this guy, just the cuddling and kissing, sooo much. I guess that's the farthest I've gone with anyone, but it felt completely normal. Only weird because of the people watching. And I realize this objectively has the potential to be really creepy and "wrong." It just feels so right. This is one of those things that affects people so deeply that they write songs and poetry and create art about it. It just feels so great that it's probably about to happen.

Other interesting things that happened at the cuddle party: a woman massaged my back while another woman gave me a hand massage and the dude I eventually kissed gave me an arm massage. At this point, I thought everything was non-sexual because duh, they kept emphasising that! Then, I spooned with a much older black man who was wearing a silk, red silk. I only said yes to that because how many times can I write that sentence?

The part where it got overtly sexual was this... So, I spooned with the guy in the red suit and the other guy approached us and asked if he could join us. I said something awkward. I cuddled both of them, and the other guy was just a really great cuddler. The touching got a little more sexual, which he kept asking if was okay and I kept saying yes. Then the black guy in the red suit left, and it was just us too. I was super turned on, so I rolled over into him and we rested our heads against each other. He touched me on the side of my boobs and on my thighs, and we linked our legs around each other. It felt like our bodies were completely intertwined with each other, and it felt so natural and comfortable.

Then, he started kissing me on my cheek and head really secretively because we weren't supposed to. He had a beard which felt really good and it was all just so fucking hot. He was like, "you like those kisses?" And I was like, "yeah." We were like, lying into each other whispering kind of dirty stuff... mostly him saying dirty stuff because I'm awkward and inexperienced. Then finally, we just went for it and made out. I almost told him to stop because I knew it was against the rules, but it felt too good and I just didn't give a shit. So, we slightly got in trouble but it wasn't a big deal really. I don't know if most people there even noticed what happened between us.

I'm so awkward and unsure. He told me, "I love how you're unsure, but you just go for it anyway. It's really sexy." He said "obviously you're really cute, but when we talked I just felt this energy and I feel like that's what is important." I know I know, he probably was bullshitting, but the way we were whispering together was hot as fuck and it felt real and isn't that what matters in the moment? He also kept asking if I was okay with everything and telling me no one was going to make me do anything I wasn't comfortable with, and that was very comforting. It felt like he really cared about pleasing me.

So I know I'm inexperienced and probably suck at sex. And maybe this is wrong by societietal standards. But, I'm just going to go for it. This is the first time I've just felt really right about it. We'll just see what happens.

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